This past weekend my daughters were playing with a few of their friends. All seemed fine until out of the blue, right in front of me, Princess and another girl banded together against a younger girl and sassily told her she acts like a baby and they weren’t going to be friends with her anymore. The younger girl, predictably, burst into tears and ran sobbing to her mom, while the 2 older girls and I had a serious talk about how we treat our friends and what it means to be a bully.
But I was shaken. My daughter, a bully? Are the days of innocence over already? This little girl who has always been so sweet and kind to other kids was now picking on someone weaker than her just because she could. If I hadn’t watched it with my own eyes, I don’t know if I would’ve believed it.
A part of me wants to just brush it off, dismiss the whole thing as a silly tiff among 5 year old girls, one that has already been forgotten. But at the same time, I cringe knowing that as those girls get older, that sort of behavior will only get worse.
I know because I watch it happen in my adult life too. There have been a few instances just in the past week where I’ve watched several grown women band together against one via Facebook, just to prove a point. I’m sure they felt their outrage was justified, but the fact is that when many people gang up against a single person, it stops being a discussion and turns into nothing more than bullying. It can happen in the blink of an eye; I’m probably even guilty of it myself.
I just got back from a conference last weekend, and now will be headed to another one tomorrow. And while I’m excited to go, in all honesty, the blog conference world sometimes reminds me a lot of high school. While the vast majority of attendees are fun, incredible, amazing people, there are always a few who ‘rule the school’ (or at least who think they do) and spend much of their time trying to manipulate people around them and make others feel inferior. Sadly, it works.
What is with this innate need to make others feel bad about themselves? Does putting someone else down really make us feel better? Does preying on the weak make us strong? Are we so insecure about ourselves that we need to hurt someone else in order to feel superior?
After watching my daughter this weekend I know I will have to be much more vigilant. I want my children to grow up with compassion for those weaker than them, not contempt. I want them to understand that their greatest mission in life is not to be the cool girl, but to live God’s love to everyone around them. I want them to recognize bullying when it happens and to be brave enough to stand up against the crowd, to speak up for the ones who can’t speak for themselves.
It also makes me wonder if I am doing enough to model this for them. Do I take a stand when I see someone being picked on, or do I sit by and silently watch, in the name of avoiding drama? Do I have compassion those who are faltering, or do I seize the opportunity to lift myself up while someone else falls? Most importantly, does God’s love shine through me to everyone I meet, every single day?
So what about you guys? Am I alone in sometimes feeling like I never left high school? Have you ever been bullied? Or been the one to bully someone else? How do you deal with this issue with your kids?
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Ronda February 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Ruth you are right on target. Continue on this path, add prayer and you and your girls will make a difference. You are a wonderful Mom because you didn’t dismiss this and used it as a teachable moment. Life is full of these, consider them blessings. I love reading all your posts. Ronda
Sally February 22, 2012 at 1:11 pm
As a mother of a teenage daughter, I can relate to this so much. I remember feeling sad when we went from large sleepovers and parties with 5-8 girls to just two so they wouldn’t pair up and fight. It is important to keep communicating with your daughter about how it affects other people and how she is going to handle it when it happens because it does get worse once they get to school (sorry!) Compassion is a wonderful trait to teach your daughter and will allow her to rise above the pettiness and drama. Best of luck!
Kara Buntin February 23, 2012 at 3:08 pm
This kind of thing was going on even at the preschool level with a couple of girls in my daughter’s class. It came straight from their mothers, who encouraged the daughters to be “better” than the other kids. It was pathetic, but I was forced to deal with it with my daughter then. It’s pitiful when you have to try explaining human behavior to a 4-yr-old!
However, by starting earlier than I wanted to, she was ready to identify that kind of thing by the time she wasin elementary school. When she was in about 2nd grade there was a “playground club” that certain girls would form every recess period, and they’d exclude certain kids from it. My daughter was mad about that, not because she was being excluded, but because she didn’t think it was nice to do that to other kids. So I told her to form her own club and let anybody join, and she did.
You’ll have to address bullying and exclusion throughout their lives, but if you address it directly when they’re little they’ll be better off when they hit middle school, which is the WORST!!!! Don’t get me started!
johanna February 27, 2012 at 2:18 am
this is so true! what is so bad is that adults seem to be worse bullies than kids! at least kids cant fully understand the gravity of what they do, but adults have no excuse! it is crazy to see grown women revert back to middle school mentalities when it comes to this. i just had some “friends” totally turn their backs one me and now they are all best friends, and I am tossed out like old milk. It’s like i never existed to them. And all of those women are in their late 20′s eary 30′s! Needless to say it has taught me a lot of lessons about people. It’s so sad to see people’s immaturity. But i guess the part that hurt me the most is all of them were my church family. Or at least i thought they were. But it’s ok, because i’m still here and my faith is still strong, and i may not have a friend in the world- but I have a friend that sticks closer than a brother and His name is Jesus!