It is often in our failures that we learn the biggest lessons; the same holds true for parenting.
Several weeks ago, on the final leg of our summer road trip, I had an epic mom fail. We still had 4 hours to go and I was tired and crabby and ready to be out of the car. I don’t even remember now what it was that set me off, whether it was the girls bickering or complaining that I wasn’t changing the DVD fast enough or spilling food or asking for the billionth time when we were going to get there, but I lost it. I got angry and I screamed at my kids.
I yelled that they needed to be better listeners, that mommies get tired too, that I can only do one thing at a time, that we would get there when we get there, and probably a few other things I wished they would understand right at that moment that they just didn’t.
I screamed and they both burst into tears. Not annoying whiney tears, or fakey tired tears, but real tears. The tears of two little girls who had just been genuinely hurt by the one person who is supposed to love them the most. I saw the devastated looks their faces and all my anger and irritation just evaporated. I burst into tears then too, and immediately apologized and asked for forgiveness, which they both gladly gave me, and after a few more tears, we all moved on.
But it was that in that moment I understood, perhaps only for the first time, just how fragile, how tender, and how easily bruised my children’s spirits really are.
I’ve had a lot of people ask why we decided to homeschool this year. There are many reasons, but the main one is our first year experience with public school was pretty rough. Princess was the youngest in her class, emotionally immature but academically way ahead. Quiet and well-behaved and not needing any “extra” attention, she spent most of the year being completely ignored by her teacher.
When Husband and I expressed concern at the beginning of the year that she wasn’t being challenged, we were met with a lot of defensiveness from the teacher and a little condescension from the administration. ”It’s still early in the school year,” they told us, “just wait and see. We’re the educators, we know what’s best.”
So we sat back and said nothing for most of the year. I didn’t want to be seen as “that” mom, the annoying, overbearing one who thinks her kid is better than everyone else’s. And frankly, I was distracted and busy with my own projects and blogs and to-do lists. If nothing else, sending Princess off to school each day gave me 8 hours to get stuff done.
It wasn’t until spring that I really started to notice how withdrawn and moody and insecure she had become. I spoke up again, and this time, with a new principal, my concerns were taken more seriously, but it was near the end of the year and it became a matter of too little, too late.
I had thought about homeschooling for a long time but, to be honest, I was terrified to begin. There were so many questions, so many unknowns. Would my kids even listen to me? Would they be able to learn from me? Would I have the patience for it? How would I manage teaching 2 different ages 2 different things at the same time? How could I homeschool and still write my blogs or run my business? What if my kids became unsocialized and weird?
On the second-to-last day of school, I attended the Kindergarten “graduation ceremony.” Each student was introduced by their own teacher and I was horrified when my daughter’s teacher pronounced her name wrong. All I could think right at that moment was that as a parent, I had failed her completely. I had stood by and let my daughter spend an entire year learning from a woman who couldn’t even be bothered to learn her name. Every fear I had about homeschooling was replaced by a determination to never put my child in a situation like that again.
This is not meant to be an assault on teachers. Teaching is hard work. I have many, many friends who are teachers, and I know just how much effort they put into everything they do. From an objective standpoint, I also understand that my daughter’s teacher probably did the best she could. She had 15 students, several who were behind, a few of whom were extremely disruptive and challenging. With only so many hours in the school day, she probably had no choice but to focus most of her time and energy on the kids who needed help, not the quiet little girl sitting quietly in the corner who already knew the material.
But as a mom, it’s not my job to be objective.
Those 2 separate instances redefined my purpose, and I realized that if f I have one job as a mom, it is simply not to let my child’s spirit be crushed, by own actions or anyone else’s. It’s my job to fight for my child, to pay attention and advocate and push and yes, even be annoying and overbearing if I have to be. It is my job to guard them and keep them safe, not just physically but emotionally as well. To let them know, under no uncertain terms, that they are more important than all the other distractions in my life–the blog post I need to write, the TV show I want to watch, the article I want to read, the chores that have to be done, or the email that should be returned. It is my job to instill a sense of confidence and security and responsibility, to teach them all the things they need to know to be a successful human being. Because if I don’t do it, no one else will.
In the months since we have started homeschooling, I have had the incredible honor of watching both my daughters not only learn new skills and excel in their schoolwork, but bloom as people. With every passing day they are more confident, happier, less moody, & more content, so much so that other friends have noticed it and commented on it too. It makes me a little sad that I didn’t realize sooner just how they needed this, needed me, but the best lessons in life are often the hardest. Luckily for me, kids don’t hold a grudge.
A lot of people have also asked how long we plan to homeschool, if we will do this for junior high and high school too, and the honest truth is that I don’t know yet. We will cross that bridge when we get there. All I know is that for right now, this is where we need to be.
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K August 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm
this is exactly the reason why we decided to homeschool our son this year. We can’t afford the conventional home school materials, so instead, we are going thru the tuition free e-school that our local school district provides the materials for. It goes thru a nationally accredited homeschool program that I had never heard of, but upon more research, we realized that it was a really good school and there are a lot of good reviews about them. I didn’t realize it at the time (I had started researching homeschool options before the end of the school year), but God was working on my heart, and the last day of school when they sent home the report cards, in there was a flyer about the e-school option. I knew right then and there that God was telling me that this was where we needed to be. Our son is excited about it and since we recently moved, he would have had to change schools again, which he absolutely didn’t want to do. Thanks for the encouraging post! It helped reassure me that I really am doing the right thing for my son.
Ruth August 14, 2012 at 3:41 pm
Wow that program sounds really cool. I’m glad it is working out for you….keep me posted on your journey!
Neila August 13, 2012 at 5:06 pm
I am very glad for this post. Granted, my child is only 2 right now, but her father and I have already been discussing this option. He has decided that he doesn’t like the public school in the area we are in right now and I can’t say I really want my child to go to school there either. It just seems that here teachers don’t try to challenge students anymore; it’s worse since I graduated 12 years ago. I know growing up for myself, school was not a challenge at all. I never had homework, I never needed to learn to manage my time because I had so much of it. When I went to college, it was a total shock! I’d gone from being required to go to school that was not challenging to holding myself accountable for going to classes where I knew I’d be slammed with homework and it always seemed the teachers/professors all got together and planned tests/papers/etc. together. I’m hoping to do some homeschooling for my child so I know that she’s being challenged and learning what she will need to know about the world. When I left my parents’ home I didn’t even know how to write a check, let alone take care of my own finances. That is one thing over the years of trying to clean up the messes I’ve made in that part of my life that I promised myself if I had children I’d make sure they knew how to take care of. I enjoy reading about your family as well as all the freebies and great deals you find. Keep up the great work and keep inspiring not only your girls, but also all the women and men that read your blogs. Thank you.
Ruth August 14, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Thanks so much for your sweet comment Neila!
josie August 14, 2012 at 9:30 am
I am happy for you to have made the right decision. Good luck with everything!
Ruth August 14, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Thanks Josie!
Debbie August 14, 2012 at 10:17 am
Ruth, you are human it happens. You can’t beat yourself up for yelling/screaming at your kids once in a while. you are a mom and moms’ do lose it too. It’s only natural and normal! I’ve lost it a couple times with my kids and yes I feel bad, but they also realize that they can’t push mom around. That’s the main thing is that they learn to respect you. I butt heads all the time with my oldest, becuase he was so ‘spoiled’ so to speak. My kids cry when I have lost it with them, yes it upsets them but they get over it quickly and move on. They also then realize that mom means business too. My kids are great, wonderful boys, I’m sure yours are too but now and then they can be just untolerable, it’s COMPLETELY NORMAL! I’ve posed the quesiton to other mom’s and my family. They all agree. my mom never yelled at me or lost it on me until I was older, yes it hurt me but I also knew that I had pushed her, because I learned how far to push and when to stop. That taught me NOT to take advantage of her. With my siblings (who are 8-9 years younger) she was that way from the beginning. You are there to protect your kids, but you also have to let them be themselves and learn from their mistakes and problems. I’m one who has a hard time with this on my own, my husband constantly reminds me to let them learn from their mistakes or their squabbles with their friends, that I need to stay out of it.
Ruth August 14, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Oh, believe me, it wasn’t the first time I have yelled at them, nor will it be the last! It was just the way that I yelled, with such anger behind it, that was so hurtful to them and so eye-opening to me. Thanks for the reassurance.
Debbie August 14, 2012 at 9:58 pm
Believe me I know, I’ve done it to my boys before too. And for me that is hard to accept as I say that I literally went to hell and back to have my kids.. 8 years of trying, 3 artificial insems, 7 invitro fetilizations, 1 miscarriage, and 3 preemies later I have my 3 boys who I wouldn’t change for anything or give for anything int his world.. And I almost lost my 2nd one as he was born WAAAYY too early and too tiny but he pulled through. But I have ‘lost it’ a couple of times on them usually I just yell but once in a while I have gotten angry with them and they knew it because they’d be in tears, we’d discuss it later and they understood why I was angry and it was all better. they actually listened better too!
Britany October 29, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Ruth,
I think it’s great that you apologized to your girls and aksed for their forgiveness! We all lose it sometimes and act childish but we need to remeber to treat our children with respect and honor if we want them to respect and honor us
(and others). My mother “lost it” a lot with my sister’s and I when we were kids and she NEVER apologized for it and never admitted she was wrong. She always said “mother’s are always right!” My sister’s and I are all grown now with children of our own and none of us have a very good relationship with her. We all struggle to have respect for her even to this day. I have two girls of my own (ages 2 and 6) and it is very important to me to show them that I make mistakes, too. I apologize to them when I do something wrong and tell them that, just like them, I get tired and cranky sometimes and have to really try to use self-control.
Anyway, you are making the right choice to homeschool! I pulled my daughter out of Kindergarten last year for the same reasons you took your daughter out. Read the book “A Different Kind of Teacher” by John Taylor Gatto. I was saying I would take homeschooling year by year but after reading his book I don’t ever want to put my children in public school again! I personally know 7 former public school teachers who left to homeschool their own children!
Thank you so much for the work you share on your blog! It is very inspiring and encouraging. As you know, homeschooling means trying to live mostly on one income, which is very difficult for us. I am trying to learn more about couponing to try to help our finances! Keep up the good work!
Hallie August 14, 2012 at 11:02 am
This is one of the best things I have ever read:
if I have one job as a mom, it is simply not to let my child’s spirit be crushed, by own actions or anyone else’s. It’s my job to fight for my child, to pay attention and advocate and push and yes, even be annoying and overbearing if I have to be. It is my job to guard them and keep them safe, not just physically but emotionally as well. To let them know, under no uncertain terms, that they are more important than all the other distractions in my life–the blog post I need to write, the TV show I want to watch, the article I want to read, the chores that have to be done, or the email that should be returned. It is my job to instill a sense of confidence and security and responsibility, to teach them all the things they need to know to be a successful human being. Because if I don’t do it, no one else will.
So true and yet so easy to forget. Thanks for the reminder. I love your blog!
Ruth August 14, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Thanks Hallie!
Kathy August 23, 2012 at 8:13 pm
This is also my favorite part of your post, I plan on printing it and posting it in my home where I can re-read it. It sums up my feelings of Motherhood perfectly, and will be a gentle reminder when life gets too hectic.
Ruth August 29, 2012 at 8:34 am
Thank you Kathy. I think maybe I should do the same thing!
Faith August 14, 2012 at 11:29 am
My experience with public schools started off much in the same way as yours. Our son was the youngest in the class and was light years ahead of the other children. The gifted and talented program does not start until third grade, so waiting three years was not an option. I went to the principal and put my foot down. It was not fair that my child was not learning to his potential even if it was higher than the other students. He had an amazing kindergarten teacher that made him her personal “teaching assistant”. He was allowed to visit the library more frequently, was given enrichment work from the gifted teacher, and helped the teacher with other children that were struggling as a peer mentor. It really turned out to be a great experience. When my youngest entered kindergarten, she had just turned 5 several days before school started. She is very intelligent, but had a very hard time reading, which puzzeled her teacher, as well as myself, because we spent countless hours on the Dolch sight words list to no avail. Her teacher knew we would get no help from the counseling staff, so she helped me circumvent the system and paperwork to get to those in charge at the central office to have our daughter tested. Turns out, her i.q. is in the 140 range, but she is dyslexic. This observance by a caring teacher allowed us to get our daughter help three years before the school system would have recognized her issue because we remained vigilant. Unfortunately, we do not have the option to home school, as we are a two income family, but I have learned that when it comes to my kids’ education, I don’t take no for an answer. Thanks for all you do Ruth! I have loved reading your blog over the years!
Ruth August 14, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Wow that is so great to hear that you had such wonderful teachers who recognized the need to help kids excel at their own level; that is exactly what we were hoping for but unfortunately didn’t get. I’m so happy it worked out differently in your case! Through all this I definitely learned to be a mama bear, though. It sounds like you already were.
Debbie August 15, 2012 at 10:41 am
That is wonderful, I have to say I am very happy with our school. They have given both my boys more then i ever could as for. They put my oldest through speech groups he needed, math that challenges him and so on. My 2nd son they had in speech, even enrolled in him a occupational therapy course for learning to hold a pencil/crayon better, how to cut better with scissors etc. It was wonderful and worked miracles with his handwriting etc. (he was born 10 weeks early). Last year they started focusing on a reinforcement for learning with a new program for him for math, as he was struggling. I guess I’m just happy that so far my child’s needs are met and the teachers have been more then willing to work with me on their aspects and behaviors in class. We’ve had sticker charts, green /yellow cards, etc. When the teacher is willing to work with you it makes a world of difference! We started sticker charts in Kindergarten and even the 1st grade teacher used that format with him as well. He likes to daydream and is not motivated, these motivated him.
Ruth August 29, 2012 at 8:35 am
That is really good to hear Debbie!
Kim August 14, 2012 at 2:28 pm
This post brought tears to my eyes…triumphant tears. I was literally rooting for you and your child. I love it when I come across someone else who is so in tune with what their child needs. We too are new to homeschooling, and even though there are definitely some rough days…it was the best decision I have made in a long time. My daughter completely changed when she entered Kindergarten at the local public school. So much, in fact, that I didn’t even recognize her behaviour at times. Even after talking to the teacher (who didn’t seem to know what I was talking about), nothing changed. I pulled her out mid-year, and got my sweet little girl back! I too have know idea how long I will continue with homeschool, but for now it is what works the best for our family. Thanks for sharing you story! PS Found you through the Hip Homeschool Hop.
Ruth August 14, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Kim, Thanks so much for popping by!
Nicole Long August 14, 2012 at 8:33 pm
You are right on the money! I have now been homeschooling for 2 years with my oldest this year (3rd grade) and have went back and forth regarding my preschooler but I have decided to homeschool her as well this year. Needless to say…it has been nothing but greatness for the oldest and me. Obviously, we both had a learning curve to figure out since leaving public school but she has flourished over the course of our 1st yr! She’s no longer bored with school and she is being challenged daily. We are still with the CA standards for our grade, push ahead to older grades all the while having interactive lessons driven directly by her personality, learning traits, weaknesses and strengthens. It takes alot as a parent, and you will definitely need “mommy time outs” but as my child’s biggest advocate…the sacrifice is well worth it and I am proud that God has afforded me the opportunity to homeschool and that my husband helps as well. Keep it up! Stay encouraged me and believe me…don’t fall into the trap of feeling guilty about their social lives. My children are now even busier than they were in a brick and motar school and have friends all across county lines thanks to our various homeschooling outlets. Take care and God Bless. Continue being an inspiration for us all.
Ruth August 29, 2012 at 8:36 am
Thanks so much Nicole.
Nicole @ Busy Mom in the Kitchen August 15, 2012 at 4:50 am
I have always homeschooled our kids. They have never set foot in a class room. Your description of your daughters first year perfectly embodies my fears of what could happen. In the beginning, I too received the questions, of why and how long are we going to do it. Especially from family. Now in our 11th year, I think they get the point, because it’s what’s best for our family, and for as long as we need to. Today, none of our kids have a single desire to attend a public school. And they are normal, well adjusted, caring people. I wish more parents had the courage to take charge of their children’s education, cause an education is more than just the book learning. It’s growing up to be the person God created them to be, and as their parents, that’s our responsibility. Hopped over and following!
Christie August 15, 2012 at 11:39 am
New here, via Edie!
Awww, homeschooling … its the best! Have fun! We are heading into our 7th year, and the good outweighs the challenges.
Jessica Rockwell August 16, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Ruth! I had no idea that you chose homeschool for the girls! I homeschool my boys and I love it so much! I have been getting organized this week to start 2 of my sons on the next year of learning. I would be very interested in how you are teaching. Did you choose a curriculum or using materials from internet,library,books,etc.? We use many free materials from the internet and also workbooks purchased from the store for their grade level. I am still trying to get ahold of FL’s laws and if my son will need to be tested each year or not. Thanks for this awesome post!
Claire August 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Loved reading this and needed to hear it today.
Thanks Ruth!
Rachel August 18, 2012 at 12:40 am
Ruth you are amazing. I love reading about your life and the changes you are making with your blog to reflect your journey. Although I began reading you because of coupons, you are an inspiration in so many more ways, more gratifying ways truly. I am a teacher, and it disheartens me to hear how your daughter was treated. Homeschooling your girls is a blessing! I look forward to reading more.
Tanya August 18, 2012 at 1:16 am
Ruth, I love your blog. I don’t have children, but your comment about the teacher mispronouncing your daughter’s name – and you taking it as a warning sign – resonated so much with me. Nearly every day of my life, I have to explain to someone that my name is TANya, not TONya. And LOTS of times the fumbling response I get is “Well, I know someone named Tonya and she spells it like you do.” So?? Learning someone’s name – especially if it’s someone with whom you have regular or even semi-regular contact – is the most basic sign of respect.
When I was discontented and feeling like I was out of place in a small church a few years ago, the final straw was that, after attending this church of 50-some people for three years, there were still people who couldn’t be bothered to pronounce my name right. I changed dentists after four years with one dentist who was condescending and not only refused to pronounce my name correctly but actually mocked me when I corrected her. I have family members who have known me my whole life and still mispronounce my name.
Maybe to people with names that never get mispronounced. this issue seems silly. But when you have a name that is CONSTANTLY mispronounced, the people who have enough respect for you to know your name and pronounce it correctly stand out. The friends who love me the most don’t hesitate, in fact, to correct other people on my behalf when someone refers to me as TONya.
You were right to notice the mispronunciation as just one more sign that your daughter needed something different. Many blessings to you in your homeschool adventure!
Shana August 27, 2012 at 8:56 pm
I have had my name pronounced wrong my whole life as well. Nothing more irritating.
SHANA, pronounced Shay-nah.
My sister, MARNI, gets her name spelled wrong all the time by people who have known her 10n years or more. They always put an E on the end which infuriates her!!!
It is so true about the respect thing!!!
Jaime January 11, 2013 at 9:02 am
Shana I know exactly how you feel! My name is spelled differently than most Jamie’s so I have had to deal with my name being spelled wrong my whole life. My daughter’s name is Aylah…pronounced exactly as it is spelled: Ay-Lah! Yet people insist on calling her Aleeyah or Alayah…can people not read?! Or are they just so engrossed with getting things done as quickly as possible that they’ve forgotten how to sound out words? My daughter has been going to the same pediatrician’s office since she was born and her actual pediatrician says her name right but all of the nurses and receptionists pronounce her name wrong! It’s so infuriating!
Wendy August 31, 2012 at 11:28 pm
I’m finally catching up on a few weeks’ worth of posts from some of my favorite blogs and must tell you this one really touched me.
“I realized that if f I have one job as a mom, it is simply not to let my child’s spirit be crushed, by own actions or anyone else’s. It’s my job to fight for my child, to pay attention and advocate and push and yes, even be annoying and overbearing if I have to be. It is my job to guard them and keep them safe, not just physically but emotionally as well. To let them know, under no uncertain terms, that they are more important than all the other distractions in my life–the blog post I need to write, the TV show I want to watch, the article I want to read, the chores that have to be done, or the email that should be returned. It is my job to instill a sense of confidence and security and responsibility, to teach them all the things they need to know to be a successful human being. Because if I don’t do it, no one else will.”
My “baby” boy turned 18 today and I hope and pray that I realized it early enough and practiced it often enough. I shared that paragraph on my FB page (with a link back to this post). I’m so sorry – it was such an instant reaction because I felt it would touch so many people and I didn’t ask permission to share it! Please forgive me – and know that I can most certainly take down the post if I need to.
I’m so very glad I stumbled across your blog way back when! You really have a gift for touching people with your words!
Kimberly November 9, 2012 at 11:34 pm
Ruth, I’m new to your blog thanks to Edie! I just read this post (along with a bunch of others!) and had to comment– As a teacher myself, I HATE that your daughter did not have a wonderful year at school. I can’t believe the teacher couldn’t pronounce your daughter’s name and that she didn’t listen to your concerns. That is heartbreaking. Unfortunately, in this day and age, I think many educators are overwhelmed with not just teaching, but parenting as well, since so many (not all) students come from broken homes and dysfunctional families. Behavior problems always take so much time and attention– that’s time and attention away from exceptional students like your daughter. Teaching just isn’t what it used to be when we were in elementary school. I applaud you for taking the plunge into homeschooling, and I want to try it myself when my daughter is ready for school. I am so ready to leave teaching behind to focus more on my family, and specifically my own precious daughter. Thanks for this amazing blog!
Jamie February 8, 2013 at 10:29 am
I just found your blog through pinterest and I love your planner! This story really hit home. We began our homeschooling journey after Kindergarten for similar reasons. We are now in 5th, 3rd, and K and have added 2 more children. Good luck on your journey!
KC @ The Real Thing with the Coake Family April 12, 2013 at 11:31 am
After 6 years of homeschooling, I’m a little worn out. Then add in trying to blog and earn money that way and hubby who travels A LOT. I have been considering giving it up, but reading your other posts today and this one, re-energize me and help me remember why I started on this path in the first place. I need to make some changes for sure and yet I love this path…I think I just forgot for a time and got stuck in the mire of everyday. Thank you so much for the fantastic and honest posts you write. I really appreciate them.
KC
Gretchen May 6, 2013 at 10:20 pm
As someone who was homeschooled, I have to say that this is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children! And just so you know, I’ve never talked to a mom who felt like she could totally handle homeschooling.
It is HIS grace that is made perfect in our weakness.
Hannah Hay UK May 18, 2013 at 9:10 am
Crying a few tears of joy over here in the UK – four months in to our home edding journey, your blog spells out my fears and resolutions perfectly – thank you. I have spent a number of hours now browsing (mostly USA) planners in an effort to organise myself and hopefully gain confidence and this has led me to your page
I have downloaded the planner and send thanks for sharing that and your words. My girls are 8 and 9 and I am a sole parent trying to work from home and be all things to all people… feeling the pressure – yes – but resolved to make it work nonetheless!