This was not the post I was supposed to write. Today’s post was supposed to be an inspiring collection of charming and poignant photographs telling the triumphant-yet-funny story of my harrowing Highlander 3 Mud Run saga over the weekend. In my mind I had it all planned out; all I needed was the pictures. Oh, and to actually participate in the run.
But it was not to be. I’l spare you the details of my excuses because at the end of the day, there is only one reason I dropped out: I am a big fat chicken.
The ups and downs of this thing called “blogging” never cease to amaze me. One moment I am feeling on top of the world, like things are going great and I’ve got it all under control. Things are scheduled on time, the creativity is flowing, & I’ve got plenty to write about. The next minute someone or something throws me for a loop, life gets all hectic and crazy, and all my insecurities get the best of me.
Part of the problem with putting it all out there is that there are some moments where I feel entirely too exposed and it is then difficult to retreat because it feels like there is no place to hide. There are also many moments where I feel that I have presented only a Pollyanna version of my life, and that feels inauthentic too. Let me assure you that my life is not perfect. My children are not perfect. Our days do not always go smoothly.
So in the interest of keeping it real, I have a few confessions to make:
I can be terribly insecure
There, I said it. And now that I’ve admitted it, I’m feeling a little self conscious. 
What will you think of me? The truth is that while I shouldn’t care what y’all think of me, I do. I pour my heart and soul into what I write and what I do, and often the only measure I have of whether it was liked is the feedback I get. While I know I shouldn’t measure my self-worth in the number of blog comments I receive, I admit that sometimes I do.
Silly right?
But I can be insecure even without the help of others. I spend too much time comparing myself to the bloggers around me, to women who are better mothers, better home-schoolers, better cooks, better crafters, better bloggers, better Christians, better people. I think it is important to have role models, people who inspire you to stretch and grow and to do more and to be more, and much of the time, that is what happens. But I also have days where it really feels like everyone has it together except me.
My children do not always look as cute as they do in pictures
We spend most of our time at home, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t have the time or energy to bother fighting with the girls over what they will wear. And believe me, on the days we don’t stay in our pajamas all day, they come up with some very creative and interesting–and not really in a cute way–ensembles. Half the time the little one runs around with nothing on at all, and there are often days where I forget to brush their hair or wipe the breakfast residue off their face.
I still fight with my husband
Just because we don’t fight as much about money doesn’t mean we don’t fight at all. My husband and I are both two very opinionated and strong-willed people with different ideas about many things. Conflict is inevitable, especially when we both hate to admit we are wrong. When we butt heads, we really butt heads, and it really ain’t pretty. At the end of the day, though, he is the butter to my bread and the love of my life.
I do NOT have this whole homeschool thing figured out yet. Not even close.
Lest you have some misguided impression that our days are always well structured and productive, filled with crafts and learning and quality time, let me just shatter that myth. Homeschooling is hard. I love it, I have very clear reasons for why we are doing it, but it is hard. It is especially hard for someone like me who constantly has about 40 projects I want to be working on. I have yet to start our homeschool day before 10am, and often it is closer to 11 or noon. I struggle with teaching math, even thought it is only first grade and shouldn’t intimidate me. I struggle with figuring out how to juggle the needs of a 3 year old with that of a 6 year old, struggle with the conflict of wanting to push her and wanting to let her just be a kid.
I have been trying to lose the same 10 pounds for the last year. Or maybe two.
Seriously, what is UP with that? How hard can it be to lose TEN FREAKIN’ POUNDS? Half my clothes don’t fit, which is just annoying and to make matters worse I have to see myself on TV twice a month and it never fails to make me cringe. I know I really shouldn’t be so vain, that I should just accept myself where I am, tummy rolls, muffin top, & all, but I’m not quite ready to give up. AND yet I obviously have NO willpower whatsoever, because the minute I lose a few pounds, I immediately start eating like I have never seen food before and gain it all back. So frustrating.
I spend too much time on the computer
Between Pinterest, Facebook, email, blog-writing, & editing photographs, I could probably be on the computer 24 hours a day and still not be “done.” It really is an endless time suck. As much as I try to limit myself, that type-A driven part of my personality often gets caught up in needing to do just “one more thing.” I sold two of my sites so I wouldn’t spend so much time on the computer, but then got so excited at the prospect of having more time for this site that nothing changed. Lord help me find a balance soon!
I want another baby so bad it hurts
This really doesn’t have anything to do with blogging except that despite everything else I do, that ache is always there in the background. Perhaps now that I’ve finally said it out loud my heart can heal and I can move on. My husband and I are not on the same page when it comes to this subject–the major pitfall of a nearly 20 year age gap–and it has been a source of serious tension more than once. I love kids, love babies, love, love, LOVE being a mom. I would fill my house with a dozen of them if I could. I honestly don’t care if I birth them or adopt them, I just want more. Husband thinks, at 53, he is too old to start again. And honestly, he might be right, but that doesn’t stop the longing.
So there you have it.
I apologize if it sounded like a whine fest, because it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t feel sorry for myself, and this post wasn’t meant to illicit sympathy, but to clear up any misperception that I’ve got it all together all the time, lest I ever make someone else feel inadequate. Because I don’t. Not even close. And quite frankly, no one does. As my friend Melissa so wisely told me one time, “Everyone has the same 24 hours.”
But here’s the thing: the reason most of my posts are so positive, so happy and upbeat and yes, sometimes Pollyana-ish, is that despite the things that are going wrong in my life at any given moment, I like focusing on the positive, the good, the pretty, the creative. the JOY in life instead of the pitfalls and disappointments. I have been to the dark side, have wallowed in it and let it consume me and swallow me up, and I don’t ever want to go back.
So I will acknowledge and accept my imperfections. I will continue to strive to be better. And I will pray for wisdom and thank God for his Grace, remembering always that life without the bitter wouldn’t be nearly as sweet.
Happy Monday.
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Laurie September 24, 2012 at 9:12 am
It’s so comforting knowing that I’m not the only one.
I am SO thankful for God’s grace despite my imperfections!
Ruth September 24, 2012 at 10:40 pm
Amen to that! Thanks Laurie
Serrin September 24, 2012 at 9:20 am
Ruth! I LOVE this post! We all feel like this. This is not you being whiny, this is you being real. This is just one of the reasons why I adore you so much!
Ruth September 24, 2012 at 10:41 pm
Thanks Ser–I adore you too! xoxo
Wanda Tyndall September 24, 2012 at 9:37 am
Girl, your too hard on yourself! Take it easy and breathe, and thank The Lord for bringing you through yet another day. It’s all going to be good, the kids will grow up and they’ll forget the mismatched clothing, late starts to home schooling.
My husband and I recently brought three children into our lives. Ages 7, 4 & 2. We were team truck drivers, I quit my job to become a SAHM to these three little rugrats. They’re awesome, irritating, privacy invading creatures with a great capacity to love and forgive the mistakes and frustration that I find myself deeply embedded in every single day. It’s a lot harder than I bargained for most days! A lot harder!
These kids have an agenda of their own despite my best laid plans and intentions. Keep plugging away at it, just when I least expect it one of them will bring me a hug and a kiss to bring my day to a screeching halt. I need this a hundred times a day usually. My kids are a product of the foster system for three years, that gives them their own securities and frustrations of dealing with a “new” family, we wait for the Department of Human Resources to do their jobs so we can makes these little monkeys a part of our “forever family”! I can’t wait for that to happen! It’s almost as if part of me is waiting to draw a breath! I’m 46 and my husband is 48, I don’t think it’s ever too late to give love freely to little ones who truly need it!
Best of Luck and know in your heart that your blog is precious to so many of us!!!
Ruth September 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm
Thanks Wanda, your kind words really mean a lot. Kudos to you and your husband for taking on such an awesome–and scary–responsibility. You will be in my prayers!
Betsy September 24, 2012 at 9:39 am
Thank you so much for this post. It doesn’t seem whiney to me at all–just real. I think every mother knows what it is like to have days where their kids don’t match, their hair isn’t perfect, and they have every color of Crayola marker up and down their arms and legs. Of course, we don’t always share those moments with the world via blog or Facebook. Believe me, I have a little girl with waist length hair, and I get people that tell me, “I just love her gorgeous curly hair!” Of course, they aren’t the ones that get to deal with the tangles, or the tears; and they also don’t see her first thing in the morning when she has ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ hair. lol.
It’s also easy to look at people (whether on Facebook or blogs) and think, “Their life is so organized and put together,” when all we are really seeing is a small glimpse of their daily life. We never know about the challenges they face, and their hopes and fears. I think it’s a great lesson on learning to not judge others; and remembering that they are no different than anyone else. Thanks again for sharing this post with every mother out there , who has felt this way at one time, or another!
Ruth September 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm
Thanks Betsy!
Carol September 24, 2012 at 9:40 am
I feel like this too. On the outside everyone thinks that I have it all together, but on the inside, I feel like one wrong move and the whole house of cards will come tumbling down. You are NOT alone in this, and I need to remember that I’m not either. Thanks for the inspiring post. Oh, and btw.. I sometimes get that yearning for another baby (I have 3 already) and I’ll babysit a friends little one. It reminds me that I DON’T want another one. But it’s when kids hair is a mess and their faces aren’t clean from breakfast, lunch, dinner.. etc that they are the cutest. It’s when they wake up in the morning with their stinky breath that they come running into your bedroom too early in the morning, and hug and kiss you bright eyed and bushy tailed. It’s when they look at you with those doe eyes and you just know that there is no one more on this earth that they love than you that makes them the most beautiful kids in the world, and that it’s just for you to see. Hope you have a fantastic monday Ruth. God Bless you and your family
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:29 am
Oh Carol, I babysit friends’ babies and wonder if anyone would notice if I just didn’t give them back.
Jessica September 24, 2012 at 9:45 am
So I’ve never left a comment on one of these things before but I just wanted to tell you thank you. I suffer from depression and when I read your posts I can relate. Its nice to know that there is another Christian out there that suffers from depression, it helps me cope. Thank you.
Ruth September 24, 2012 at 10:47 pm
Thank you so much for your comment Jessica, it really means a lot. ((hugs))
Debbie September 24, 2012 at 11:04 am
One of the lovely things that stood out to me in the post, was that you are teaching your girls that it really is okay to be themselves, to relax and not worry about every little detail of dress and structure….the very things you seem to be angsting about. You are a wonderful, loving mom and wife. Give yourself some of the same grace you show your girls when you allow them to pick their own clothes or run around half naked. None of us is perfect…whatever that is. Love you much!
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:31 am
Thanks Debbie….but don’t worry, I don’t have too much angst about letting my kids maintain a relaxed look at home. I just didn’t want anyone to look at my pictures and think my kids always look that way in real life!
Melissa September 24, 2012 at 11:19 am
We all feel this way at one time or another – some of us probably just feel it a little more “frequently” than others. But please remember, none of us is better than the other! Our pastor spoke about this this past weekend. We are all made in the image of God – which means we were put on this Earth to love and serve others. That is what you are doing and I am doing and the rest of the mothers in this world are doing. We’re all just doing it the best we can and trying to take it one day at a time! Give yourself a hug from all of us – your faithful readers!
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:31 am
Thanks Melissa!
Sally September 24, 2012 at 11:42 am
Ruth,
I enjoyed this blog very much and laugh at the similarities to our family! We have one child which we waited 7 years to have. We discussed having another but decided not to. Many people are critical of our choice and feel the need to comment on it …we just had be ready for the life change and am thrilled that we led our life the way that made us happy. I have also been the mother who took her daughter to the grocery store dressed as Cinderella, mutant ninja turtles or a vampire and sometimes not sure what….the rest of their lives will be filled with conformity, so I never minded her self expression. I think it is healthy for children and is amusing as well!
Thanks for the honesty, it is refreshing to hear.
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:31 am
Thanks Sally
Anna September 24, 2012 at 11:54 am
Wow, this was so exactly what I needed to read today. Sometimes I read your blog or other blogs and wonder how you manage to do so much while I do so little. I love the ideas and inspiration, but yes, sometimes I feel inadequate. Thank you for breaking it down and keeping it real. It is nice to know you don’t always have it all together, even when it seems like you do.
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:32 am
Oh no, I definitely don’t.
Thanks Anna!
Erin Adkins September 24, 2012 at 12:39 pm
So you are telling us you are just a normal person! I can relate to your post in many ways! My littles are in public school so I have to make sure they are dressed daily but on weekends…forget about it! I have been trying to lose my 10 pounds for 3 years now but I love to bake and it is to my demise.
Don’t worry about it! You are a human being just like all of us! This just helps us all to relate to each other even more.
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:32 am
Oh yes, very normal!
Newlyweds on a Budget September 24, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I have been trying to lose 10 pounds for 2 years too! It is just SO hard. I feel like I am finally making some leeway though since I started juicing, and having a mean green juice for breakfast and as snacks. It’s helped with the cravings too.
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:35 am
It IS so hard, isn’t it? I have heard a lot of good things about juicing….maybe when this spending freeze of ours is FINALLY over!
carrie September 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Amen to you, and to mothers everywhere. Amen!
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:35 am
Thanks Carrie!
Jeniece September 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm
i am going to be honest. when I read this it really feels like you are hiding in my closet writing about my life! this was an amazing post. thank you for letting me I am not alone…
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:36 am
You’re welcome….and thank you!
Amanda September 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm
Thank you for being so honest! I feel much the same way you do about so many things- computer, kids, homeschooling. I wish I could start school at 9. 10/11 seems to be the norm. Glad I’m not the only one! Balance, I keep telling myself.
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:39 am
No you are not the only one. Glad to know I’m not either!
Claire September 24, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Awwww.
First – I LOVE this post. You always hit a home run with your honest and candid entries – we are real people, going through real life situations and emotions. Your posts always help me!
Next…
I actually ran the Highlander 3 yesterday. I cannot believe I did it. I would have maybe chickened out but I signed up very late and my best friend and teenager (who placed 8th in his group!!!) would have killed me. I was a bit nervous. It was AWESOME. I finished very low out of 438 people. I wasn’t last but honestly, that would have been ok too. It was my first race, and I finished it.
Our younger boys then did the kids 3/4 mile race afterwards (boys and mud, you know!). If I had a beautiful blog like yours I would post pics!!
I will email you about the next race we are doing. It’s a complete confidence booster. Once you try it (and after you are done being sore for 48 hours) you will love it!
Thanks again, as always, for your amazing posts!!!
Claire
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:40 am
Claire, did you run it in Orlando? That is where I was supposed to do it! Good for you for following through. You are obviously much braver than me!
Rachel September 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm
This is by far my favorite post ever. Thanks for posting. I love blogs that show the imperfections of reality rather than trying to put on a beautiful facade. God bless.
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:41 am
Thanks Rachel!
Poor to Rich a Day at a Time September 24, 2012 at 11:10 pm
LOVE this post, in many ways I have had the same feelings this post describes. I write with total honesty and openess and put myself out there……..I become really insecure when my goals and plans don’t work out and feel so exposed!
I think if we are bloggers with any kind of integrety and openess……..we all feel vulnerable and over exposed sometimes.
Oh I also homeschool! Quidos~
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:41 am
Thank you for your sweet comment.
Yvette September 24, 2012 at 11:42 pm
You are so awesome, because you are so real. I too, fight with my husband:(, Yell sometimes at my kids:( Have a messy house, and supper is not on the table on time. Plus, I too also want another Baby soooooooooooooooooo bad, but my husband and I are not on the same page with that. Very hard. I am not a perfect Christian, but God knows I try everyday to do His will and I fail, but God is an awesome God and He forgives and sees what is in my heart. God is the only one who is perfect. You and your family are awesome. Your real and that is what we love about you and your blog.
God bless,
Yvette
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:42 am
Thanks Yvette
Penny September 25, 2012 at 1:56 am
Ruth my friend yes I say my friend I know we don’t know each other, and I live in New Zealand, but let me tell you I think you are amazing and none of us are perfect, but your doing a great job of bring up your children and your girls are very lucky to have you as there mum. I follow lots of blogs and yours is always the first one I read. Keep smiling and have a lovely day.
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:42 am
Thank you Penny, that means a lot.
Alisha September 25, 2012 at 7:32 am
You have been my friend for years, I talk to you (almost) daily, I know your struggles, and yet even I am guilty of thinking that you are the perfect mom with the perfect life. You really are amazing– weaknesses and all. But I think it’s good for all of us to be reminded that you are human…not the superhero that we sometimes imagine you to be. You are so real…that is why we love you. That is why we keep coming back to read about your perfectly imperfect life! xo
Ruth September 25, 2012 at 7:43 am
Oh Alisha, you are so sweet. Love you too! xoxo
Misty September 25, 2012 at 9:32 am
I love this post! Thank you for sharing! I also want to add the paragraph about wanting a baby so bad it hurts, made me tear up. My hubby and I were there 4 years ago, and I cried, and prayed, gave it to the Lord, then it would bubble back up anytime a friend was pregnant or I saw an adorable baby. I will pray for you, because I know how hard it is, how your heart aches, and how no matter what that longing just does not go away. My heart aches for you, and please know that you are not alone!
Jennifer @ Mommy Y September 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I LOVE the honesty in this post. You are certainly not the only way feeling this way. Glad to hear someone else say it out loud! Thank you.
Beth September 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm
I hope your self esteem is really sky rocketing with all these comments, Ruth! haha! I get caught up and sidetracked by the very same things. I think that’s why so many have responded to this post. And recently I’ve had a new perspective on blogging. I want to think of it not as a competition but as joining a choir–where we all harmonize with our different niches and sing our hearts out about what we are passionate about. Keep on singing!
Lisa DelVecchio September 26, 2012 at 10:29 am
Thank you for this post….I nodded my head in agreement on the struggles of mommyhood. Bless you and your family. Keep on keeping on ….you’re doing it right.
Kate E September 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm
The Perfect Post.
Karen Taggart September 28, 2012 at 4:08 pm
I appreciate this post so much! I, too, like to focus on the positive, happy things in life but it is soooo helpful to know others struggle with the same internal battles I put myself through.
I love being a mom/oh my gosh I’m horrible at this
Thank you!
My husband needs more attention from me/why doesn’t he understand how overwhelmed and tired I am?
I appreciate my temp legal job/this job is taking up time I could use to build my biz
I want to be a photographer/maybe I should just give up the whole idea
etc etc etc etc
Suzana October 1, 2012 at 7:50 pm
Whoa, love the quote about life without the bitter… haven’t heard it before did you just make it up?
Melony October 1, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Ruth, I started reading your blog over a year ago and I’ve come back almost every day since then. You are so real in your posts. You aren’t afraid of being brutally honest….and that’s something that is really lacking in today’s world. I will admit that at times I’ve thought to myself, “Man, I wish I had it all together like Ruth. She gets up at 3:00 am to clean her house and cooks gorgeous meals for her family and don’t even get me started on her mad party-planning skills.” But, the truth is that we are all just women longing to be better wives, mothers, and children of the King. I will continue to read about your beautiful journey for as long as you feel inclined to share with us! You are one of the most talented bloggers that I’ve come across and I’m so grateful for our “virtual friendship”.
((Hugs))
Melony
Arnold April 13, 2013 at 4:09 pm
Ridiculous story there. What happened after? Good luck!