Are you holding onto clutter because you feel guilty about letting it go? Stuff guilt is a big obstacle to living clutter free but it CAN be overcome!
What is it about STUFF and guilt?
As I was writing my book Unstuffed, this was a question that came up again and again and again–why do we feel SO guilty about all the stuff in our lives?
As it turns out, there are lots of reasons.
We feel guilty about getting rid of clutter because we may have paid a lot of money for it, or because we don’t want to be wasteful, or because someone gave it to us, or perhaps even because it represents all the things we said we were going to do and then didn’t. (Hello craft supplies!)
But whatever the reason for keeping it, this hanging on to clutter causes a different kind of guilt–the guilt that comes from feeling like our lives are cluttered and out of control.
It’s a never-ending guilt cycle!
And I totally get it.
In my own life, my husband and I have struggled a lot with this very issue. You see, in 2011, my dear mother-in-law, Marie passed away, leaving behind an entire house–84 years worth–full of things. There were clothes, furniture, boxes of paper and notes. There were photos and jewelry, knickknacks and books. It felt like it would never end.
The thing is, all this stuff wasn’t just a meaningless pile of junk we could simply discard and move on from. These things were her belongings. They were her memories. They meant something to her, and it was hard to think of just tossing them out so coldly, like a lifetime of holding on to things wasn’t worth keeping.
But then, just two years later, my sister-in-law Linda suddenly passed away. She had been extremely close to my daughters and it was a devastating blow. As her closest relatives, we again were responsible for taking care of all the things she left behind, and we had another entire house full of stuff, two people’s lifetimes of belongings—neither of which belonged to us.
The guilt was terrible. In fact, at one point my husband broke down, saying “it feels like I am throwing her life away.”
But we also knew, deep down, that we couldn’t keep it all. We were already buried.
And the reality was that my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law were so much more than just the stuff they left behind. They were kind and generous and loving and smart and funny and so much more. Equating their lives with a pile of stuff was only cheapening their memory.
We finally had to come to the realization that memories and stuff are not the same.
And we had to let it go.
The reality is that at some point, it is no longer practical, healthy or reasonable to hold on to things we don’t need simply because you’re trying to hold on to a memory. It’s no longer reasonable to keep items that don’t fit the needs of your family. We can’t force our families to conform to some idea of what our house “should” look like when it doesn’t serve our actual needs.
In the case of my husband and I, we had to assess and make hard choices. We went through the items and we condensed it down to only the things we really needed. I kept a few high-quality items that were very meaningful to me. I also knew these were things that would both last and probably end up being something my daughters would want.
One of the reasons we become so attached to items is because of the idea of scarcity. We are blessed with mostly abundant lives where we’re able to meet our needs and have enough.
For many of us, growing up we might have been faced with times of hardship and times when we struggled. Maybe we saw our parents struggle to bring home a paycheck or put food on the table. If you had grandparents who grew up during the Great Depression, you saw the after-effects. Often they would save all kinds of items—paper, packaging, wrapping, rubber bands—all because they knew what it was like to have nothing.
In our lives today, most of us are so blessed because our needs are being met. We might struggle, of course, but usually we’re able to at least feed, clothe and shelter our children. It makes perfect sense why those who have been through the trauma of poverty might now hold on to things a little more intently.
Similarly, if you’ve gone through a traumatic experience, you might hold on to items because you identify them with happier memories. We use this sort of “magical thinking” to ward off bad experiences. Or we may believe that holding on to items will somehow shield us from the pain of loss or grieving.
This can be one of the most difficult things to work through when it comes to letting go of stuff. Oftentimes, we may need to talk to someone about our struggles, whether it’s depression, anxiety, a reaction to grief, or a traumatic event. When we’re holding on to emotional baggage, it can literally become physical baggage we carry around with us.
The other reason we hold on to stuff? Simply because it comes on in! If we aren’t constantly and diligently “fighting the flow” of stuff into our homes, it can pile up and multiply. I swear, no matter how little I purchase for my children and how few gifts they receive, there is somehow always a surplus of incoming stuff (especially during the holidays!)
When I took my kids toys away, I think people had visions of my daughter playing with a corncob doll like Laura Ingalls Wilder in an empty bedroom. But I can assure you all, my daughters have a stunning amount of stuff, no matter how much I throw away.
A few years ago, I went on a trip to the Dominican Republic with Compassion International. I was astounded and humbled by the staggering weight of true poverty. The very fact we have soft beds, a roof over our heads, food to eat, clean clothes to wear, and water to drink puts us leaps and bounds ahead of most of the world in terms of abundance.
Recognizing what we have and the items we need versus simply “want” can be a life-changer when it comes to stopping the flow of stuff. You may think you NEED another candle, a black long-sleeved tee, or a pair of running sneakers that match your hoodie, but really? Most of us truly have enough.
Once you realize how much you have and what you really need, it can be easier to let things go. It also helps to recognize the deeper underlying reasons you might be holding on to items.
It isn’t easy. At all.
But I’ve found it helps keep reminding myself that people and stuff are not the same, and that I need to let go of anything that is not currently useful, despite who gave it to me, and despite how much it cost. When I approach the task of decluttering with those guidelines in mind, it helps alleviate a lot of the guilt.
One simple way to help you get through your purging process is to take those items you can’t seem to part with and simply put them away for a while. Send them on a little vacation. Clear the surfaces of your house—clear the bookshelves and the knickknacks and the countertops and the nightstand. Take those “decorative” items and put them away for about eight weeks.
After the eight-week period, bring them back out and consider whether or not you really missed them. If you still aren’t sure and you can’t quite bring yourself to let them go, ask yourself if it would help to know they’re going to a good home, where they will be appreciated and used.
I find this method to be particularly effective with things like clothing, kitchen appliances and other items, which are useful but not often used. If someone else can find a purpose for them, it’s time to set them free!
Once in a while, you might even shock yourself: you might forget you even put some of these items away. A few years ago, before I cut back to a 40-hanger closet, I put away my “hot summer” clothing (it’s Florida, so there’s not a huge difference between summer and winter clothes) and brought out my fall items. I’m ashamed to admit, I made it clear until the following June until I realized I had completely forgotten about some of the items I’d put in storage. That was when I knew it was time to cut back on some of my clothing.
The three questions I find helpful are:
If you use these three screening questions, you can determine if almost anything is serving your needs. You do, of course, have to get past the idea of “I like and want everything I have.” It seems to be the question that trips up most of us. Of course we ‘like’ most things in our home, but do you REALLY like it? Sometimes when our homes become too full, it’s hard to see the things we REALLY like because they’re buried among the things we kinda-sorta of like.
I’ll be honest–this guilt thing is something I’m still working on. There may always be things that I end up holding on to because I feel guilty, but ultimately the freedom that comes from letting go is worth fighting for.
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Again, no dates on this post or replies, but...I finally realized it wasn't the actual stuff, but what it represents. When I got divorced and moved to a huge apartment (I found very cheap) I bought myself the dining set I loved, but my then husband hated, so we got what he wanted. To me , my dream set represented my freedom to choose, but also family, gatherings, love, etc. Actually, it is just a table and chairs. And now I am in my own house, the table is round/oval/huge and just doesn't work. The chairs are great, old fashioned, sometimes called Nostalgia or pressed back, and I found an incredible deal online for a smaller rectangular table that will accommodate the chairs nicely, and work in my current dining room. So, the old table is going to the curb for free, to find a new home with someone who will be so happy to have it. It really helps to figure out just what any item represents, what you feel you are going to lose. Make new memories, and like some others have said, you are never going to fit in that tiny dress- that represented your youth, hopes, etc way back then. Donate it, or repurpose it into something you can use and love again.
Thanks for this thoughtful response, Susan. I recently started as the LWSL editor and went through the experience of moving and decluttering. I found that I had a lot of items that belonged to my mother, but really there were two key pieces of furniture I wanted to keep even thought they didn't exactly fit my style right now. The connection to her is what matters most to me. Thanks again for weighing in!
I like the suggestion to box things up and set them aside for a couple of months. But at the end of their "vacation time," don't automatically unbox them and pull them out to decide if you want to keep them. If you're looking at it and handling it again, the uncertainty and indecision will hit you again. That defeats the purpose of the exercise. Before you open a box, see if you can remember exactly what's in it. If you can't, then you don't miss those items! Did you feel any urge to run and open a box to get something out of it while it was packed away? No? Then you didn't miss any of it!
Likewise, if there's something that keeps coming to mind while it's gone, you missed seeing it in its old place, or you wanted to wear it one day and then remembered it was packed away - pull that one thing out and put it back in its place. All that stuff you didn't miss, don't even open the box. It's ready to take to your local charity.
There is no year on this post or comments, but I want to tell Tori to look for free or subsidized household help. My small city has home helpers for which a program pays over half, or all, of the cost. If there's really nothing available, try a private charity. A church, for example,might have some ladies who will happily help you with your problem.
I'm spending my tax refund on a private cleaner this month to get me out from under my two rooms of junk (plus the rest of the house, only it's packed less tightly!). I can't really afford it, but my rental home was sold and I'll have to move. I'm nearly 70 and was a collector of vintage and antique everything for forty years. Many things from my youth will have to go. I'll never wear that tiny dress again, and my tastes in art an decor have changed.
I urge you to DO something. EVen if you can only work 5 or 10 minutes a day, do that! Eventually, you will be free.
Love and best wishes,
L.
Thanks for sharing! I can't believe how swiftly stuff can pile up too! It is a constant battle.
Thank you for a great post. I keep clothes that Don't fit because they were given to me and mean I can make do and don't need to buy more. I struggle with the "I paid good money for it." Mostly. I struggle because much of my stuff represents me.ories of lived one's. I am not ready to minimalize yet, but I plan to read and reread and reread this post until I am. Thank you!
Paper is such an easy thing to build up! I hate all the mail we get to buy this or that or give to us or us. The news paper is filled with so many sale fillers! I have about three collections not too bad, most I got boxed anyway.....it's just the physical act of getting rid of them. I am almost 70 yrs. old. I have a heart issue, but I can do things. I just get so tired so easy. I can wake up that way. I have NO ONE to help me. I don't want to leave a mess for my brother to have to do it when my husband and I are gone. I don't know what to do. I try to do a little everyday. I have 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and living room and kitchen........almost 50 years worth! Not like on t.v where hoarders are crawling over everything and there are dead critters and bugs. This is just so depressing to me I try to leave home everyday. I don't want to be here. Help!
When my son passed away in 2016 I went in his cabin and turned off his fan and tv. When we die we take nothing with us. He was a extreme minimalist, but I still was stressed going through his things. I have since sold most my furniture and possessions, as I would never want my only surviving child to go through any kind of stress. I asked her what she wanted and she said her house is decorated in her tastes and she does not want my stuff. She likes my needlepoints, but it's not her style theme. What is left will be auctioned off even the house. She works full time so all they have to do is send her the check. Be kind to your kids. Don't burden them if you truly love them.
I have a different problem then most. when I had money, we spent it and purchased so much stuff, every time a new stereo came out my husband had to have it. every time a new and better computer came out I had to have it. Every type of new technology item, I had to have. I have things still wrapped and never opened that cant be used because technology would change every 6 months. I loved sales and purchased anything that was 50% to 75% off even if I had 20 of them at home. My husband had to purchase every VHS and DVD on the market for 30 years or more. My bookshelves are full plus any other places I could find to put them. I purchased so many clothes, that I do not know what I have and probably wore only half of them. I have clothes from when I went to HS and I am now 71 years old. My husband has 10 suits that dont fit, shirts still in the bags and tags on, old tv's he refuses to get rid of. I have tuna cans he keeps for his nuts and bolts.....never uses them, just buys new ones instead of wasting time looking for what he needs. He would misplace a tool and purchase a new one, easier then looking for it in a thousand tools and 6 tool boxes and when he used them they would stay where he used them. I had 6 storages to put stuff in every time I had company for Christmas, just to make room for them and leave the stuff there and never look back, just keep paying the bill. We purchased 3 20 ft containers and filled them up with stuff. toilets, bathtubs, sinks, fans, plumbing, Christmas stuff, furniture, electronics, toys, etc. (still there) I have art supplies, office supplies, big monitors still in boxes, I can go on and on. We purchased a warehouse 1200 square foot 20 feet high......filled. This is not junk!!!!! Now I have no money, the economy has taken a toll on our life, everything I did in my life was wrong, I dont know how to straighten it out. I have given a lot of stuff to salvation army, mostly clothes and stuff I could part with, but what stops me from giving everything away is that I need the money and no one is willing to pay for anything in todays market. No one cares about this stuff or wants it. most kids today want to know what a knick knack is. All my valuable llardo and swarovski crystal that we old people spend hundreds of dollars for is going for $5.00 and $10.00 at auctions. NO ONE WANTS CLUTTER ANY MORE. Garage sale, flea market, ebay, craigs list....you can spend the next 5 years and you will not be able to sell the stuff without getting stressed out and I do not have the time to spend doing it. My husband and I work all hours just to pay the bills, so learn from someone who made big time mistakes..............save your money and stop buying stuff, it is more fun to enjoy life then have a house full of "JUNK" that not even your family wants.
Great article and love the comments! For those who may worry that their possessions may be a burden for their loved ones or totally unwanted when they pass on, maybe while you're still living, why not invite them to take the things they would love to have that you can part with now? That way, you can "declutter" some things plus enjoy knowing each got what they wanted. If someone in need could use it and you're ready to part with it, do it while you're still living! Why leave it to your loved ones to sort through?! In the process of this myself right now. It's going in phases. They will be invited multiple times before I'm finished purging my house. Loss of close loved ones is hard enough without having to go through EVERYTHING they owned! It's YOUR stuff. If you have young people, you could sell things of value and leave the $ for them. What do you want to leave those you love?, a burden or a blessing?
In our culture, we are taught we can never have enough. In the past, I tried to declutter by going through closets, holding items. I loved or needed everything. I decided to go though my entire house and every closet and drawer and compile a household inventory list. Once I completed the exhaustive list, I finally got it that I had more than enough, too much. Instead of holding everything and going through an emotional battle, I downsized from the list. After the deletions, I saw that I still had plenty. A nice side benefit was an accurate listing of my possessions for insurance purposes. Saved some money there. Good luck to all.