Death and dying are never easy things to talk about. The emotional impact of losing someone we love can make it feel almost impossible to deal with the logistics of what that means on a practical level. It can feel like every part of us has shut down, and just the simple idea of putting one step in front of the other feels like a foreign concept.
Once the funeral or memorial service is over, it can even seem like the world expects you to simply “get back to normal.” The only problem is that you’re not sure what normal really is anymore, and you’ve still got a lifetime of memories–and stuff–to sort through. It’s a daunting prospect.
Believe me, I get it. Over the past few years, my husband and I have faced the loss of two very close family members, and I understand all these feelings I just described all too well. And yet, the reality of the situation is that there are logistics that must be dealt with. There is a house full of furniture and clothing and pictures and knick knacks to sort through. There are bank accounts and insurance policies to figure out. There are things to do that can’t be ignored, whether we wish we could or not.
And so, you have stumbled upon this page because you recently lost someone you love, please let me be the first to say I’m so sorry for your loss. The goal of this post is to provide a simple road map for you to follow at a time when life feels like it has turned upside down. My hope is that it will help make knowing what step to take next just a little bit easier.
Grieving can be a long process, longer than most of our friends and family members can know how to deal with. It can also be incredibly complicated and it can drudge up a lot of feelings that need to be addressed. While friends can be wonderful, consider also seeking out a support group or a grief counselor who can help you work through the specific emotions you are experiencing.
Once you’ve decided to start sorting through all of items left behind, enlist a friend, spouse or sibling to help you. It can be overwhelming to deal with the flood of emotions you’ll experience, and it may feel impossible to remain objective about what you would like to keep and what you can let go. Keep someone close who can help you stay on track and stay reasonable.
The truth is that most of the time our deadlines are self-imposed, and there is no rule that says you have to figure out what to do with a lifetime of someone else’s stuff within days of the funeral. While some people might feel better dealing with everything right away–almost as if keeping busy will keep the pain away–others need time to grieve first before they can dive in.
Both approaches are just fine. We all have different methods of coping and healing from grief. For some, action might give control to a situation that feels vulnerable and out of control. For others, it might be too painful or too much.
Give yourself permission to set your own timeline and allow yourself to grieve and feel. It’s okay to go through a myriad of emotions. But do keep in mind that when all this “stuff” that you’ve inherited “stuff” begins taking over your space or interfering with your life, that’s when you need to find a way to start addressing it and working through it.
Schedule time on the calendar to sort through items. Be realistic and kind to yourself about what you can do in a set amount of time. Dealing with an estate, memories, and a flood of emotions is quite a departure from organizing your pantry or storage closet.
Assemble the things you’ll need beforehand: boxes, bins, trash bags, markers, tape and labels. Schedule time to deal with each area or room one at a time. Figure out your plan of action before you go into the situation. Not only will this help you stay focused and calm, but it will also help when you have to make tough choices.
Keep in mind that you don’t have to keep everything. Photos, writings and items that were unique to your loved one are good items to keep. Remind yourself: even if your loved one collected something, it doesn’t mean you have to keep their whole collection. If they loved cats, thimbles, decorative broaches…any item they kept in multiples, limit yourself to one really special knickknack or item meaningful to you.
This can be especially challenging when faced with a whole house of useful stuff. It can seem wasteful and even disrespectful of the person’s memory, but in truth, you would be holding them more dear and close by keeping something very special than “dealing with” a cupboard of saltshakers or old postcards from someone else’s vacations.
After my sister-in-law died, and we began sorting through her things, my husband said, “it feels like I’m throwing her life away.” It was excruciating, and he struggled with so much guilt. Eventually though, we had to come to accept the fundamental truth that people and things are not one and the same.
Consider this:
Memories take up space in our hearts; stuff takes up space in our homes.
Memories last forever; stuff breaks, gets lost, and fades away.
Memories bring joy; stuff brings stress.
Memories are honoring; stuff is diminishing.
Memories bring peace; stuff brings chaos.
Memories actually matter; stuff really doesn’t matter at all.
When facing the loss of a loved one, it’s amazing how our memories become intertwined with the belongings of that person. The smell of our grandmother’s perfume on a box of old handkerchiefs can bring us to tears; small porcelain figurines become priceless mementos. Items that don’t fit our style, our taste, or even our within our homes become the things we cling to.
When my mother-in-law passed away, we were left with a lifetime of items to clean out—a house full of stuff. Her memories, her paperwork, her furniture and clothes were all our responsibility. Needless to say, when we were both racked with sadness and grief, sorting through her belongings was an impossible task.
My husband and I packed everything up and moved it to our home in Florida, so we could get a better handle on what we wanted to keep, once the tears had settled. It seemed so callous and difficult to simply discard her possessions, as though we were disregarding her memory. So we held on.
Then, not even two years later, my sister-in-law passed away after a battle with cancer. We were her only surviving family members. Again, we were faced with mourning a loss and trying to sort through a lifetime of stuff at the same time. Once again, we found it nearly impossible to simply “get rid” of her stuff.
But we were one small family in an even smaller house. We didn’t have the room or the need for many of the items that surrounded us. We clung to their stuff because we were terrified of losing the memories, but eventually we realized all this “stuff” wasn’t making us happy. It wasn’t helping us through the loss or bringing us comfort. It only brought chaos and stress. We had to let go.
What you decide to keep may be different than what I or other people might, but that’s okay too. There are no right or wrong answers here. The important thing is that you are able to give yourself permission to keep those items that are meaningful, and to let go of the rest…without any guilt.
Once you’ve narrowed it down to a few key items you’d like to hold on to, it’s time to figure out the best method for sorting through, discarding, selling or donating the rest of the items.
There are several resources to help you through the process and you certainly don’t have to deal with it alone. If you’re working with several family members, the will and testament may offer some answers.
Depending on the value of their estate and the amount of their possessions, you may have different options open to you. I’ve known people who marked many of their belongings with names of family members or kept lists of who should get what. It’s always best to first respect the wishes of the deceased in these cases.
Time and time again, I’ve heard of families torn apart in feuds over the possessions of a loved one. Oftentimes, the process can spark hidden emotions not related to the actual “stuff” they’re fighting over, which can very much damage relationships.
If you’re going head-to-head with a cousin over grandma’s candlesticks, try to remain objective. If the item is very valuable and was not outlined in a will, you may need to seek the advice of a lawyer or mediator to assist. If the item is valuable only for sentimental reasons, try to take a step back. Would grandma really want your relationship ruined over such an item? Very few possessions are worth destroying a relationship over. It’s far better to let it go.
When you’re ready to part with items and things have been sorted amongst family members, you still don’t have to go it alone. There are professionals out there who can help you sort through the situation.
Estate sale companies are the most experienced and quite possibly the easiest option. You simply give them a percentage of the sales (usually between 10-30%) and they come in, sort, and take care of everything. Not only are you spared the stress of pricing and appraising items, but you also don’t have to feel a twinge of pain and guilt every time you sell an item. You can be assured the items are wanted and headed to a good home where they’ll be used and appreciated.
People who run estate sales are experienced at dealing with all aspects of the process. Despite the heavy price tag, this is certainly the easiest and most convenient option.
If you have a collection of items and you’re concerned about getting a fair price or reaching the best audience, you may be better to go with a professional eBay company or consignment service. This can be helpful if your loved one had a large collection of sports memorabilia, handbags, figurines, or other items that might not hit their target audience in a local estate sale.
eBay services are not as expensive as estate companies and you can often bargain or set up a minimum price you’d like for the items. Consignment shops will take items and then set a price point depending on the length it takes to sell the item. This can be especially helpful for furniture, jewelry and clothing.
If you’re feeling up for it and you’re experienced at rummage and garage sales (and have help), then holding a sale on your own might be an option. Depending on the amount of items you have and the neighborhood you’re selling in, you could find surprising success. This option is not, however, for the faint of heart. It can really stir up emotions when someone wants to bargain over the belongings of a loved one and it’s difficult to see each item being carried off and walked away.
If you’re living in an area with lots of young families or college students and you have some furniture or household items, you might be hitting your target audience with a rummage sale.
Goodwill, the Salvation Army, and other organizations will often pick up donations at no cost to you, especially if the items are gently used and of good value. Be sure to contact them to find out guidelines and limits. For example, some services prefer not to pick up clothing and some services have a weight limit on furniture and other items.
Remember, it’s perfectly natural to go through a spectrum of emotions when you experience a loss. You can feel sadness and anger, frustration and depression. Don’t expect too much of yourself when it comes to dealing with your loved one’s estate. When you’re ready, ask others for help and seek comfort in knowing you’re honoring your loved one’s memory by not taking on their stuff and resenting it. Instead, you’re sending it to a good home and keeping their memories alive, not the stuff that surrounded them.
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1. Before you start sorting, visit your local museums (and specialty museums if appropriate). Talk to the curator to learn what types of things they collect. They might want that apron collection, first set of hot curlers, or receipts from the 1950s furniture store in town. If dad designed boats or collected books on military history, a thematic museum in a major city may be interested. Paper ephemera is often desired as it is usually discarded.
Those are great tips and suggestions!!
Thank you for this wonderful article. My mother in law passed away from a massive stroke in 97. My dad then ended up passing away three months later. My father in law then passed away five weeks after my dad. My middle brother in law was the exuctor of my inlaws estate. They had a living trust. My husband is the oldest of three boys. It ended u my father in law had over a million dollars in his estate. My youngest brother in law ended up being the rotten apple in the bunch. All three of the sons owned homes. My youngest brother in law decided that he wanted to sell his house and get move into my inlaws house as his portion of the estate. He wanted EVERYTHING in his parents house. Hard feelings were formed. My hubby was just 37 my middle brother in law was 34 and my youngest brother in law was just 31 years old when my inlaws passed away. My youngest brother inlaw ended up eventually selling my inlaws house and moving due to a job change to Northen California. When my bil and his wife and kids moved into my inlaws house everything down to the pictures on the walls remained as his parents left it. When he sold his parents house his marriage was on the rocks. He ended up moving to a new home. He paid cash for that house. He put the new house into both he and hisvwifes name. When they divorced he ended up having to take a loan out on the house to buy his wife out. The things that ended up being split were little things such as a handmade Christmas tree skirt my mil made and a hand made Advent calendar. My hubby and I had the tree skirt and my bil kept asking us when we were going to trade the tree skirt for the advent calendar. I gave my bil the tree skirt and a couple of years later I asked for the advent calendar to carry on the tradition to teach my new granddaughter about Advent. When I asked him for the calendar he said " no I'm sorry I can't give you the advent Calder". I was pissed. We ended up not talking for over three years. I apologized for telling him how disappointed I was that he didn't keep his promise. We are just now communicating. My brother in law felt as if all of his parents things were what were important so that he didn't have to deal with the loss of his parents rather then going through the process of letting go of a lot of his parents things and only keeping what held special memories to him. His choices to keep all of my inlaws things caused very hard feelings and he ended up loosing his marriage. Your article has given me great prospective in why my youngest brother in law acted in the manner he did regarding keep all of his parents things. You've been a huge help. Margaret Glenn.
My mother passed away two years ago, and her death was really hard on us. We waited months before going through her stuff and I ended up picking up a few hoarder tendencies because of it. I really wish I had had help with sorting and donating her things when we started going through it. It was a very emotional time, and eventually it got to a point where we refused to let anything go.
Some additional suggestions:
1. Before you start sorting, visit your local museums (and specialty museums if appropriate). Talk to the curator to learn what types of things they collect. They might want that apron collection, first set of hot curlers, or receipts from the 1950s furniture store in town. If dad designed boats or collected books on military history, a thematic museum in a major city may be interested. Paper ephemera is often desired as it is usually discarded.
2. As you start sorting but before anything is removed, document the provenance (historical significance) of items for which you know the stories. Did the table come over the Oregon Trail with your ancestors? Did Grandpa Jim build the dollhouse from apple crates? Did Aunt Lucy paint the local landscape as a wedding gift? Take a photo of the item and write a quick version of its history with associated names and dates. Even small writing of a date or name on the back or bottom object in pencil will help. If you have many significant items, catalog them on a spread sheet, perhaps grouping them by room. Documenting the provenance will increase the value of an item for a museum or for sale, and perhaps for heirs who now feel a link to their ancestors. Even better, take time to document your possessions of significance now to help whoever sorts your stuff!
3. If there is more than one heir and a looming battle over things of value, bring that appraiser in before anything leaves the premises. With everything visible and known values listed, immediate family members each draw a number then take turns selecting their next item of choice. Values are balanced at the end as part of the inheritance or paid to the estate. The value of items donated to a nonprofit museum may be deducted from the estate.
Wonderful article. So many times the "stuff" causes the biggest strain. It is particularly difficult when you have many siblings (or spouses of siblings) who are dealing with their own grief and trying to work together to deal with the "stuff". I have witnessed more heartache and intense emotions over the piano, diamond ring, china, tea set, etc, than the actual distribution of assets. It is helpful when the deceased has left instructions for specific items, but even the best instructions can't account for the the emotional attachment to "stuff". Some families have instituted a family auction. Family members (children only, no spouses, children or extended family) bid on the items they want most - those willing to bid highest, get the item, with totals being deducted from their inheritance. Saves feelings and institutes a sense of fairness. I'm so sorry for your losses, but thank you for taking your experiences and sharing what you have learned.
When my mother passed I had all of those same feelings. She died only 16 months after my Daddy. They had lived in their house, my childhood home, for 60 years. She quilted and was a painter. There was so. much. STUFF!! I brought most of it to my house. Then after a few months I could see a little more clearly and decided to hire an estate sale company to take care of selling everything. They came in and went through everything. Sorted, marked, repaired, advertised and cleaned up. I didn't go to the sale because I couldn't bear to see my parents things with price tags on them. They even sold her car. When I went back to the house there wasn't even a button on the floor. I was sent a check, less 15%. It was worth every penny and I would do it the same way if I had a second chance. I went through the things I took home and took most of them back to be included in the sale. It was tough, but this was the best way for us to deal with it.