Do you ever get so fed up with all the toys lying around? This is the inside story of my drastic decision to take my kids’ toys away.
As some of you already know, I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of the past nine months I have probably given away about 75 percent of my girls’ toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.
Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated my oldest daughter Maggie spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.
All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.
On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.
In the weeks that followed, Chuck and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.
Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.
I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.
I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.
In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vendor. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.
In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.
They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.
When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)
What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Maggie said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.
When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.
I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!
I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.
I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.
Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.
It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.
For our family, there’s no turning back.
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When your children grow up they will spend a lot of money recovering the items that you took away from them to satisfy your selfish need for complete control over them.
As a childcare provider I always say less is best. I rotate toys all the time with my group. They get very creative. Legos are built into b-day cakes, etc. Too many children get put in front of a tv/game and don't know what to do with themselves. We also learn to pick up a couple of times a day, especial before going home. I'm not very good with chaos. This is a good thing and nice post.
My parents were very neglectful, drank too much and fought constantly... my toys meant EVERYTHING to me. If I discovered they were gone... I would have probably drown myself. The disturbing thing is it would have probably taken them a few days to notice I was even gone.
So sorry Kit about your childhood.
My oldest child calls his toys his "toy-friends." They're his companions.
Growing up, I NEVER asked for toys, ever. I mean, ever. My mom had been horrifically abused growing up, and she wasn't working out of a full deck of cards... She was pretty unpredictable in her anger, and so I never put a toe out of line, because I never knew when she might snap. It could be any moment, for anything! So of course I knew better than to ever ask for anything. Even when my grandparents asked me for a toy list, for Christmas... I knew better. I wasn't to ask for toys.
Yeah, of course I wanted toys! Toys are awesome. Mess is awesome, to a kid! I just cared about my play and games. I would have loved SO MANY toys! I would have loved to give my grandparents a real toy list! (Side note, can you believe that my kids now have too many toys? Yeah... Lol.)
You should Google "walking on eggshells." Kids grow up different when their parents are unpredictable like this. That's why your daughters are "behaving" so well. They're adapting to you. They're saying what they need to say, to try to make things predictable again.
I love my mom a lot, but I don't really see her anymore. I still try to take care of her emotionally, as best as I can, so we still talk and text. I know she did the best she could. But it was very painful.
It's very important to be a predictable parent. And not to steal their toy-friends.
I'm not sure if you are aware, but you are projecting a lot of things that don't relate to the writers situation. Maybe you could reach out to someone and have a discussion about your feelings on this. It's a little bit weird to think toys are actual friends, young kids (4-7) will use imaginary play like that to an extent but if it's progresses further than that it could be taking the place of other real life relationships and could be a symptom of un-met needs or a make-shift outlet. Toys being "what makes up a childhood" is a relatively new concept and it looks like joint activities/games, learning skills/creative activities, and real life experiences (Camping/baking/swimming, etc) are more beneficial for emotional regulation, good self-esteem and relationships in the future. If toys/novelty/marketing impede on those things, it's going to be a healthy move to shift the focus back to real life.
Oh my goodness, people are flipping out. Child abuse??? You clearly stated you didn’t take everything away, just the excess. Which in our society, is ALOT. What’s sad is that people think that we need stuff to make us happy/healthy and that you’re a sociopath if you create an environment where they have to use their imagination and *GASP* experience gratitude for what they have. These comments don’t surprise me, given that our society is so sick.
Thank God you wrote this series of posts. It has helped our family tremendously. You have nailed it, experiences are better than things and all in moderation! God Bless! I wish this had been done to me as a child!
People are absolutely nuts if you Your kids to turn out like the average kid depressed tressed messed up by the time there in their mid twenties then listen to the trash most folks are spewing out. Love your kids and do what you KNOW is right ! Bravo!
you're a sick individual. seek help immediately.
This screams child abuse. So i am taking your word on it that your children are fine? So let’s hear them as well. Why should I trust only your take on the matter.
Also: Where is the father in this? What did he have to say to this?
Again:
This screams child abuse. Please seek psychological help for you and your victims of your borderline escapades.
This is horrifying to read. taking everything they own out of irritation in a impulsive manner is going to do alot more then make them resent you. You've got problems lady