I haven’t talked about it much but for the past year or so an epic struggle has been waging in the Soukup household. It is Mommy versus Kids in the War of the Tidy Room, and while there are still small battles being fought now and then, I can finally say with confidence that I am winning.
I am not exaggerating when I tell you it has been a long and arduous and, at times, downright painful campaign. It has involved tears, threats, bribes, rewards, games, countless trips to the naughty stool, and more reorganizing, reevaluating, relabeling, and retraining than I would care to admit. At one point it even meant taking all their stuff away. There were so many times I wanted to give up, so many times I was ready to wave the white flag of surrender.
I lost track of how many times Husband–our own personal UN Peacekeeper–questioned whether it was really worth all the heartache, all the frustration, all the hassle. They’re just kids, he would say, they’re only 3 and 6. Don’t you think you’re expecting too much from them?
But I persisted. 3 and 6 is old enough to put things away! I’d snap back. If I don’t have high expectations of them, who will? Someday they’ll get it. Someday it will be worth it!
He would just look at me then, a mixture of pity and fear on his face, clearly torn between his cute-but-messy Daddy’s girls and his headstrong wife. He chose neutrality. I can’t say I blame him.
For months and months the battle raged. Some days I would literally spend hours getting them to follow through, and in the beginning cleaning their room would frequently consume our entire morning. But now, finally, after nearly a year of working at it every single day, I can actually say “go clean your room” and have it look like this a short time later:
The blood, sweat, & tears might not be visible in that picture, but I can tell you that they are most certainly there. This is not a struggle for the faint of heart. There are, however, a few battle strategies I have picked up along the way:
Set an Example
I couldn’t very well expect my kids to keep a tidy room if I wasn’t willing, able, and downright determined to keep a tidy house myself. No, my house is not perfect at all times, but I do spend a lot of time cleaning and organizing and sorting and folding. The girls see me speed cleaning almost every single day. Many times they even help with the process. We make a point to start our day with everything in order so that we be more productive. By evening we’ve usually messed it up again with projects and crafts and books and cooking and everything else that goes on in our day, but there is usually at least a few moments every morning where things are tidy.
Be Consistent
We start our day by cleaning. Even when we don’t feel like it. Even when we have a lot of other stuff to do. Even when pretty much everything in the world seems more important or more interesting or more fun. For better or for worse, it has become part of our daily routine. Hopefully someday they will do it without even thinking. We’re not there yet. But forcing it to be a habit now will hopefully stay with them for the rest of their lives.
Even more importantly, WE start our day by cleaning. Them AND me. This is key. I don’t do it for them. It would be far, far easier for me just to quickly clean the house and pick up their room myself while they played or watched TV. I truly don’t relish the daily battle of getting them to clean their room. Even now, after so many months of working on it, we still struggle with follow through. But the more they do it and the more often they do it, the better they become.
Be Firm
I simply don’t take no for an answer. I don’t plead or waver or back down. My kids are learning–because I reinforce the message every day–that their number one job as kids is to obey. My expectation is that if I tell them to do something, they do it the first time, without arguing, whining, or complaining, even if they don’t want to. There is no negotiation. Our home is not a democracy.
Get Rid of Excess Stuff
When I took away their toys last summer I realized how much happier they were with less, as well as how much easier it was for them to keep things tidy. But kids are like little stuff magnets, always bringing in a constant trail of toys and papers and clothes and shoes and who knows what else, and if I’m not careful, their room will fill up quickly.
I have to be vigilant–and slightly ruthless–about keeping excess stuff to a minimum. Clothes & shoes that are out of season or no longer fit get put in storage or brought to Goodwill. Toys are still kept to a minimum. Papers & junky party favors or prizes are usually tossed immediately (when the kids aren’t looking!) We also try to abide by a “one thing at a time” rule, where we don’t take out a new activity before cleaning up the last one.
Make it Easy to Put Stuff Away
My girls both know where things go because everything in their room has a home. Their clothing is hung low so they can reach it, and they both know how to hang things up. They’ve learned how to tell if something is clean, and they know where the dirty laundry goes. Likewise, toys and games each have their own shelf or bin.
Make it Fun
I will readily admit that I don’t always make it fun, but the days that I do are definitely far less painful then the days I don’t. Sometimes we will race to see if I can clean up the rest of the house before they can get their room clean. Often we will turn on music so they can dance while they clean or set the timer and try to beat it. Other days we simply just clean the whole house side by side–they help me and I help them.
Offer Instruction
If they are to learn how to do it on their own, I have to be willing to show them exactly what needs to be done. I’ve shown them the proper way to hang up their clothes, how to place their pants & PJs in the appropriate baskets, and how to look & smell things over to determine whether they are dirty. I’ve shown them how to scan the room to check for things on the floor, and how to crawl under the bed to retrieve any lost items. I’ve shown them where to bring garbage and dirty dishes and things that don’t belong in their room. They still struggle with making the bed, so every day I still show them how to pull the sheets tight and tuck them in, then fluff the pillows and put them in place.
I’ve found that I have to teach the same things over and over again before they finally get it, and I’ve also found that showing them something then making them do it themselves is what seems to sink in the most. Kids don’t have a natural ability to spot a mess, to see the things that are out of place. It has to be taught.
Show Grace
As harsh as all of this may seem, I truly don’t expect perfection from my kids. I expect them to listen and obey and to do their best, but I also offer them much love and praise and encouragement. I try hard to notice even the smallest achievements, and I am always quick to reward them for a job well done.
I have been pondering this post for a long time, wondering if I should actually share my experience, knowing the sort of backlash I will probably receive. I am frankly terrified to press the “publish” button. Even as I read over the first draft to Husband this morning he told me I sounded like a psycho drill sergeant running a sterile mental ward. I don’t quite see myself that way. My house is not always perfect. We make lots of messes. We really don’t spend all our time cleaning up.
Even so, I know that in today’s indulge-the-child society, I am an anomaly. I simply don’t believe that pampering my children will bring them happiness; instead, I want them to learn to live productive, orderly, disciplined, contented lives filled with JOY. I want them to grow up understanding to their core the things it has taken me 35 years to learn, the things I am still learning.
Yes, at times I am a strict, no-nonsense mom with extremely high expectations of my kids. I expect them to use their manners, to work hard, to be helpful and kind and considerate, and to keep their room clean. I am with them all day, every day. If I don’t teach them those things, I am the one who will suffer the most. I am also the one who benefits the most. Our days together are fun and interesting, filled with laughter and learning and love. The girls get plenty of time to play and just be kids and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, not despite my expectations, but because of them.
So while this battle may not be worth the effort–or even feasible–for everyone, I can say without hesitation that it was most definitely worth it for us, not simply for the clean room, but for the character it is instilling in them….and in me.
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Natalie February 22, 2013 at 10:12 am
I love your honesty. I’ve often wished that my kids would be better about cleaning their room but I see now that I wasn’t putting nearly enough effort into it. Thank you for being brave enough to share your struggle!
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:31 am
It definitely takes SO much effort! I really do think it is worth it, though!
Jane February 22, 2013 at 10:16 am
My kids are older now so we can laugh about all our room cleaning battles but I can still remember what a struggle it was sometimes. My daughter who is in college and living with roommates tells me how glad she is to know how to clean because so many of her friends don’t have a clue. Keep up the good work. They will thank you for it someday!
Momsee February 22, 2013 at 10:16 am
I make my kids clean once a week, usually on sat or sun. With 2 fulltime working parents and 2 in school 1 in daycare, we can’t do the everyday clean. By the weekend i just want to rest, so i dont fight with them to clean, but it’s also hard when you have 3 kids in 1 room. While yes I agree with your husband’s surmise, it sounds a little much for a 3 and 6 yr old. I feel they do need to learn but you have to remember they are KIDS and kids will be kids, so maybe not as much of a drill seargent mom would benefit them more. My 4 yr old knows how to put things away but I don’t drill sargent him into doing it either. they are just going to make another mess. And my kids love me no matter what cleaning I make them do. they appreciate a clean room no matter how long it takes them.
Aimilee February 22, 2013 at 10:25 am
I will admit that I usually end up cleaning my kids’ room while they are at school because it is so much easier then forcing them to do it. I feel like our time together should be spent doing homework and fun stuff, not fighting about chores. There is more to life than a clean room!
Lisa February 22, 2013 at 10:44 am
I think her point was that this wouldn’t work for everyone but also that it is not just about a clean room, it is about character.
Amy February 22, 2013 at 1:03 pm
I agree, but you also need to let kids be kids. It may build character but based on that you also need to let them be kids. It’s good to teach them but give them some slack as well, they are young and homeschooled, so they don’t experience as much as other kids do at schools, let them learn as they go. That as well builds character. Learning to clean is a great thing to know and help build them but so does being kids and not being ‘babied’ or ‘smothered’ or drill sargeanted into doing things. Note: NOT saying she does this, just speaking in general.
Allenia Allen June 3, 2013 at 6:42 pm
Amy I wouldn’t go so far as to say that because they are young and homeschooled that they don’t experience as much as other kids do at schools. I am a homeschooling Mom of 2 boys and I will tell you that having them at home all day can be chaotic at best if they aren’t taught how to be an active member of the family. When I say that I mean that Mommy can’t do it all. My day is rammed full of things that need to be done from schooling to cleaning to cooking and feeding them to playing. My boys get plenty of time to be outside playing and getting dirty and just being kids, however, there has to be a sense of order and that means that everyone takes part in keeping the house and the things in the home tidy and in order. Many hands make light work. We all do our part to take care of our home and we have fun and play too. My boys have learned and experienced a lot more than most kids that go to school. I have looked around at the generation that are now teens and I wonder what was being taught in the home or expected out of them. From what I can see they expect everything to be handed to them and done for them. Children will rise to the occasion if we let them. They are born with a desire to serve and please. I think it wise to nurture that desire and allow them to grow into people who can not only take care of themselves but also think of others. That includes the context of a functioning home. Praying that my boys will grow to be men like my husband who is often found tidying the house, doing laundry, dishes or the like because he wishes to serve me and show me love in one of many ways. To me that is far more romantic and thoughtful than flowers. Well done to this mom for teaching her children and growing their character..in a loving and faithful way.
Missy June 7, 2013 at 8:55 am
I couldn’t have said it better… you are BOTH great moms, and role models for those of us struggling with the same things.I will think of this post daily, and my 3 messy boys will be better for it, as will I. Thanks!
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:33 am
Aimilee, my husband feels the exact same way so I totally get it. He only gets a few hours with them each evening and he does not want to spend it fighting about their room. At first his unwillingness to help bothered me, but eventually I was able to accept it and even appreciate his different style. Ultimately you have to find what works for your own family!
Beth February 22, 2013 at 10:52 am
I couldn’t have said it better myself! Bravo!
J February 22, 2013 at 10:53 am
You should listen to your husband, he is right! I feel sorry for your poor kids who will probably need years of therapy to deal with such an overbearing psycho of a mother.
Amanda February 22, 2013 at 11:47 am
That is a little harsh don’t you think? Raising her kids to be productive members of society doesn’t really seem like a bad thing to me….
D February 22, 2013 at 8:41 pm
yes it’s a little harsh but it’s also somewhat true. i have 3 kids but i dont make them do non stop hitler type cleaning. i’m honestly surprised that her husband allows it, mine sure woudln’t. raising them to be productive members does not need to consist of overbearing them either.
Char May 23, 2013 at 9:35 am
I have 4 children under thage of 9, the youngest is 3 and I must say I agree with the author on this. If you teach them when they are young then it frees you. I didn’t always teach them this. My older 2 didn’t start doing regular chores until they were about the age of 6 and 7. Now, my children go to public school and my 3 year old is home with me daily. Each morning my kids are expected to complete certain chores before heading off to school. If they didn’t do this I would be left with a house that looked like a tornado hit it. They have been late and even missed days of school because they refuse to do their chores, but my children love school so this is a valid consequence for them.
I will be the first to admit that I am one of the least organized people I know, but my children understand the concept of work and know that it is non negotiable. What the author is saying is that she is teaching her children to respect themselves, those around them and their property and the property of others. This is a HUGE lesson that is best learned young. Ruth you are doing a good job. Blogs can only convey a small amount of one’s life and you are so brave to be so honest about something that every mother struggles with. So from one “overbearing” mom to another, keep up with the routine. It really does help now and in the future.
Kristi February 22, 2013 at 1:55 pm
If teaching a child to respect their parents/adults, mind their manners, and clean up after themselves makes one “an overbearing psycho of a mother”, then personally, I think the world needs more overbearing psycho mothers, indeed! Ruth, you’re a devoted mother to 2 beautiful girls – don’t let ignorant comments made by someone who can’t even have the courage to sign their entire first name bother you! You’re a great mom and your raising 2 great kids who are being taught life skills that will serve them well in their futures! Take care and always, always focus on the positive!
Jessica February 22, 2013 at 9:21 pm
I am 100% with you on this one!
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:39 am
J, I appreciate the feedback but I think we can agree to disagree on this one. My husband doesn’t disagree with what I am trying to teach them, he just doesn’t want to participate in the process and be the “bad guy.” I get a lot more time with my kids then he does, so while I do occasionally put on the “drill sergeant” hat, the majority of our time is spent doing homeschool, learning to cook, reading together, playing games and doing puzzles, riding bikes, etc. I guess what I am saying is that I am only an overbearing psycho part of the time.
Denise February 22, 2013 at 11:30 am
I love this post, especially this line: “our home is not a democracy.” I watch so many parents try to be their kids BFF. They do everything for them and give them everything they want and the kids are just AWFUL to be around. Parents need to be parents. Good for you! Don’t let the haters get you down.
Tracey February 26, 2013 at 10:37 am
I find it interesting that a mom is perceived as a drill sergeant or “Hitler” by simply teaching her kids to obey & take care of their things.
Not so many years ago, it was the norm for kids to be expected to help in the family. I’m not talking about 24 hr/day slave labor, but routines like helping milk the cows, set the table, make their own bed, wash dishes, etc. The family worked together & everyone’s contribution was important.
Not only did the kids (usually from the age of 3 or 4) learn important life skills, they learned that their contribution was essential for the family’s well-being. What a great way to achieve self-esteem as opposed to empty compliments!
Almost every time we go into a store or restaurant, I see the results of parents NOT teaching their kids obedience, manners, and the value of hard work. In general (notice I said in general, not in every single case), there is an attitude of “I’m just putting in my time” & “I’m doing you a favor by giving you the food you ordered”. Have heard so many complaints from managers about lack of reliability, lack of respect for authority, etc.
Hmmm.
Maybe we do our kids a disservice by allowing them (& us) to be so busy that we don’t allow them the privilege (yes, that’s privilege) of learning the world doesn’t revolve around them and that they are valued and essential members of our family.
Yes, it is work, & some days are better than others, but the results are worth it, as I’m seeing in my nearly-grown kids.
Deb May 23, 2013 at 9:06 am
Wonderfully said!
Momo'3 February 22, 2013 at 12:42 pm
I appreciate the blog. I believe children need to be raised to clean. It helps the house run smoother if everyone can pitch in. I have 3 kids 2 girls and a boy( ages 10, 7, and 3) I run a business from home and my husband is a truck-driver and gone a week at a time. I teach my kids that cleaning is simply doing their part…and each person has their own part. Without everyone doing something all of the load falls on one. I have seen the adult version of children that were not made to keep things tidy and it is sometimes not pleasant. A friend of mine was raised by her mom who did EVERYTHING for her and now she is 30 yrs. old and still lives with her mom who still does EVERYTHING for her.
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:40 am
I’ve seen it too and that is exactly what I am trying to avoid!
Taylor February 22, 2013 at 2:21 pm
I am not yet a mother, but I appreciate what you are instilling in your daughters. My mother had to work outside of the home most of my life, and so from a very young age, we (the children) were expected/required to help around the house. I can honestly say that I never remember my parents cleaning up our rooms for us. Additionally, I remember folding the laundry for my mom from the time I was 5 years old. As we grew older, the chores increased. Did my parents expect everything to be perfect? No. But they knew we were capable of effort. Did we hate doing chores? Yes. But we also grew into responsible citizens who knew how to work hard. I think that it is never too early to start training children.
Also, as a teacher, I am thankful that you are instilling responsibility and character in your children. I am completely amazed by the entitlement that my students feel they deserve, and I know that part/most of it stems from what happens at home.
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:40 am
Thank you Taylor!
Jada February 22, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Thank you for sharing. I definitely understand your struggle but am not as far along in being successful. I often tell my two oldest boys, who are 5 and 3, that (in alot of cases) if they were able to get it out then they can help put it back. I refuse to let them just tear things apart only to watch me come along and pick everything up after them, they need to be a part of the process. They can be very tough sometimes though, and one son will often refuse and try to put himself in time out. It is also a much more pleasant experience when I try to make it fun, but don’t always remember. But I know it will get easier eventually and help our family run more smoothly.
Jess February 22, 2013 at 4:03 pm
Well, well, well, I’m sooo glad I’m not alone in the Hitler department LOL…see, when I had my oldest, I was a college student and then I got a job, so between taking care of her, doing homework (first mine, then helping her with hers) I was too busy to have the time. Now, I’m a stay-at-home Mom of a 13yr old AND a 3yr old so the only way to keep me kinda sane is to keep the house tidy and use my dictator skills to keep everybody on the right path. Having a teenager (she is a Princess, always awesome, kind and respectful) and a toddler (this one we nickname Monster and is truly deserved) makes it hard because the main rules are the same but they are at different ages so expectations and rewards are not the same. But somehow, we managed. We have survived. And I know that my ruthlessness and the way we have established that Mom and Dad are superior in the food chain LOL is doing the trick. So, don’t feel guilty, they WILL thank you…I know I thank my mother for everything she taught me, including etiquette, good grammar, protocol and of course, kindness and selflessness.
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:45 am
Thanks for the encouragement Jess, it means a lot!
Kat February 22, 2013 at 4:45 pm
I can definitely appreciate that process!
The thing that’s made the biggest difference for our family is taking a serious look at what toys they truly love and how much of those toys they really need. We downsized our playroom drastically at the beginning of this year and I think it’s one of the best decisions I could have made for them. They play much nicer and they don’t feel as overwhelmed when it comes to putting the toys away.
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:44 am
I couldn’t agree more Kat! I notice that as soon as the toys start to creep back into our life my girls are more easily distracted, less content, fight more and have a harder time cleaning up.
Angie February 22, 2013 at 4:50 pm
I really enjoyed your post. Not enough parents stick to their guns and just give up. What does that teach our kids? That you are the boss, not your parents. In the end, that is not helping them at all. I have teenagers and little kids, and I can tell you that showing them who is in control when they are little will help a lot when they are bigger than you and they have the capacity to really challenge their parents.
Anonymous February 22, 2013 at 5:34 pm
I LOVE this post. It’s so nice to see that I’m not the only parent out there who expects a lot from her kids!!! If only more parents thought and did like us!!
Dawn February 22, 2013 at 6:08 pm
I totally enjoyed hearing your struggles with the kiddos room cleaning. I feel that it is important to teach values and what it takes to run a household, ( example, spending money, saving money,doing chores, and being respectful) I watch kids out of my home daily, while my two kids 11 and 8 are at school, and I have more time to clean than anyone else in the home.. but I still ask my kids to make their beds and clean up their rooms before school. I do major cleaning on the weekends with them helping me but during the week, it’s just a quick clean up. I do think it is important to teach them to clean because I am married to a man whose mother worked so much and never asked them to help clean the house and it was a total mess and he is still a slob. LOL
Deborah February 22, 2013 at 10:30 pm
As a mother of grown children whose biggest regret was doing too many things for them because it was easier or I didn’t want them to be “burdened”, I respect your putting in the time as painful as it probably is at times. You’ll never regret putting time and hard work to their precious characters. For those who are placing judgement, she mentions several times in her post that there is lots of time for fun.
Ruth Soukup February 23, 2013 at 6:42 am
Thank you for your sweet comment Deborah, it is always so encouraging to hear from people who have already made it past this stage!
Dina February 23, 2013 at 1:00 am
I try to get the kids involved as much as possible in cleaning up there rooms and to clean up after themselves. As they get older it does get better. There are some really great tips in this article and I will put them to good use. I use to feel bad making them help out, but now it has become normal to clean together and to have them clean up on there own and make it fun.
Jess February 23, 2013 at 9:29 pm
One thing that sounds kind of wrong to me is the saying ” kids will be kids”. I mean, I understand the concept or the idea, but the truth is, kids are kids, but they will definitely NOT be kids forever…they will be adults and those little creatures that we love so much need to see that love, not by doing things for them, but by teaching them how to do them themselves. We all hope to be there as long as possible to share our lives with our kids, but, that depends on the Great Plan! Sooo, I say, in the meantime, let’s mix it all together, the hugs, timeouts, kisses, bootcamp training, fun, chores and praise for a job well done (this last one without the squeeky/cartoon voices, please!!! LOL), so that when we are no longer around (yes, I said when, not if) they will be totally independent, functional and responsible for their own well being!
Maritza February 26, 2013 at 6:55 pm
I love this post Ruth! You rock!
I pretty much agree with you on all points, I also expect my kids to listen and follow through on the expectations I set for them, all within reason and according to age. It definitely is a trying task to do day in an out, so I applaud your commitment and convictions. Reading this post has further fueled my intentions to keep at my kids, to develop and instill the life long habits and traits that will in the end serve them well as productive members of society. It can be difficult, but is now made easier to see that there are so many others out there with the same intentions and goals.
Peace,
Maritza
Anonymous February 28, 2013 at 4:01 pm
The rest of the blog pots is here. www. livingwellspendingless.com/2013/02/22/how-i-get-my-kids-to-clean-their-room/
I am torn because while I dream of my children just doing what I ask them to do the first time, I don’t agree AT ALL, that my children’s number one job should be to obey. I also don’t really care of they whine or argue–I WANT my kids to question things. I don’t want them to grow up to think that authority is unquestionable and that they should just do as they’re told (a la the Nazis who insisted they were just “following orders”–extreme example but you get my point).
Plus, there have been times when my husband or I have been WRONG in what we have told one of our kids to do, due to a lack of communication or misunderstanding, and if my son hadn’t explained “No, I’m out of bed because Dada told me to go wash my hands” then I would have never been given the opportunity to apologize for snapping at him for not being in bed and he would have just gone off feeling bad.
I don’t really want my kids to be obedient or to not question authority. I want them to understand that adults are not always right and that it’s fine to say if you are not okay with something (like a girl in my high school who refused to dissect animals), it’s fine to tell someone if something an adult is doing is wrong (like my 5th grade teacher who threw a kid against a chalkboard) and it’s fine to do what you know you need to do regardless of what anyone else thinks (like how I was told by my parents that if a teacher told me I couldn’t go to the bathroom and I couldn’t hold it anymore I should go anyway rather than pee my pants).
The first thing that came to mind, honestly, when you mentioned that your kids’ job is to obey, was instances of abuse that kids sometimes suffer at the hands of a trusted adult. Could we prevent some of these cases from happening if we didn’t expect our kids to do anything a grown-up tells them to do? I would want my kids to know to say NO to anything like that and to tell someone immediately, without fear that adults will automatically side with other adults because they have been taught that the opinion of children doesn’t matter.
I guess I would rather have to explain why I am asking my kids to do certain things, I would rather deal with their complaints and sometimes their outright defiance, than raise children who are not critical thinkers.
I would like to raise revolutionaries.
Sea May 22, 2013 at 10:12 am
Hear, hear. I want my kids to have their heads on their shoulders, to be able to make decisions about the world on their own. My mom wouldn’t even give me advice on which clothes to choose when I was a kid, and I’m better off for it; with my own personality and strengths that could not have developed had an adult tried to force their own opinions about how things should be onto me.
carrie February 28, 2013 at 10:50 pm
I love it! Thanks Ruth. At this age I think it’s important (read: SAFE!) for children to listen to parents. Do we really want a 3 year old questioning whether mom is “right” to tell her not to run into traffic?
Rhonda March 2, 2013 at 10:17 am
I really enjoyed your post! I know how to clean, organize and label. I toss, purge and re-organize the kids rooms trying to make it easier. I read all of the other How To’s and they don’t seem to work. Or so I thought.
Your example of diligence and (at times may not have seem so) patience and trusting the process shows me I am not trying nearly as hard as I thought I was. I really haven’t given my KIDS the tools they need to be successful at this process.
You have described tools and the frustrations that I may (and do!) encounter but also show how it will work. You helped me to improve my outlook and expectations. My attitude has changed – THANK YOU!!!
Liz March 2, 2013 at 5:00 pm
Love this! Thank you for your honesty!
Lisa March 2, 2013 at 11:26 pm
Thank you for your post. As a single person it always interests me to observe how parents raise their children. I have a friend who expects here children to obey. They are allowed to question (politely) but ultimately when mom tells you her decision you do it and you do not argue. If you don’t there will be consequences. Let me tell you that makes for an easier time babysitting, further her children are much more polite then other children. They are also much more well behaved in public.
When it comes to cleaning, kids do not know how to do this from birth. So, parents need to teach it and continuously reinforce the teaching. Kids learn from repetition. When we work along side them, or with them, it teaches them the concept of team work. Further, we will see things they don’t and can take that moment as a teaching moment. It is also good bonding time. I have 11 nieces and nephews and have many times assisted in cleaning a bed room or the living room.
Keep up the good job, Mom!
Danielle March 7, 2013 at 6:33 am
Great post! My kids pick up every evening and at times I feel like it is not worth the effort! Great tips! I do need to teach them the right way more. Thanks!
Alison March 15, 2013 at 8:48 am
I have three daughters; 9,5,3 1/2. The oldest is one of those OCD/perfectionists that can get them into trouble. If she lets her room get messy…especially after a play date or sleepover… she gets totally overwhelmed because she wants it to be perfect and can only zero her eye on a one foot space. It’s like the way some people on the Hoarders show are. If they can’t do it perfect, they can’t do it at all. If I say, “just look around the room and pick up your clothes first,” she freaks because it’s like she can’t see just one category but instead the entire mess. The other two girls do a great job picking up so that has been a nice balance for me. I work with my oldest constantly on her “issue” and many times avoid going into her room for days at a time because it becomes overwhelming for me as well. It will be a life-long process for her and the whole family is aware of it. I probably give her too much leeway but everyone is so different you can’t always go against the grain. We all learn lessons and having a child with this kind of OCD is very challenging!
Ruth April 3, 2013 at 7:42 am
I am the same way, Ruth. My kids are grown now but when they were little we went through this in our home. It is a struggle and you need to show them a proper example and it works. I can relate to your reluctance about posting this because there may be backlash. This is a child indulgent society and we are doing our children a disservice. I think this needs to be said and you should be proud for speaking the truth.
Blessings,
Ruth
Katie April 25, 2013 at 3:44 pm
I think it sounds great! It seems exactly the way I was raised. My mothers house was always very clean, with 6 kids! I just wish I could do the same with my 8yr old boy. He has ADHD and we don’t have the storage we need for all his toys. I see all the great posts on pinterest and the labels of chalkboard ect. Little by little I’ll get there. Like you said it takes every day.
SJ May 16, 2013 at 5:06 pm
It’s always interesting reading over the comments on a blog post or article because it makes it so abundantly clear that people so often see what they want to see. I was amazed by people who criticized you and compared you to a drill sergeant like you just walk around the house barking out orders. Did they completely miss the part about “setting an example” “giving instruction” and “showing grace?” Sometimes when the house is in total disarray after a busy day I glance in my daughter’s room and brashly demand that she clean up immediately only to find myself staring at a kitchen counter full of papers and sink full of dishes that are my responsibility! To me the part that resonates the most is setting an example. If they are cleaning, so am I. This shows them that we are all responsible for keeping our home in order. Also I love how you remind us that providing instruction is so important. I was reading a book recently that pointed out that so often as parents we want our kids to do things they don’t know how to do, but we don’t want to take the time to teach them. While I’m guilty of this as well, it makes so much more sense to teach them (even when it takes a few… or twenty tries). I thought this was a wonderful post and I’ll definitely be putting a couple tips into action!
Courtney May 18, 2013 at 2:27 pm
My parents didn’t make me clean my room (my mom did it for me) but I regret it! Now that I love my own I have a hard time staying tidy – wish I had learned those habits as a kid! Good job.
Trish May 20, 2013 at 12:38 am
Say…awesome job on teaching your kids the responsibility of cleaning up after themselves! Life will be much easier for them and you!! I have 5 children and wish I could say I was good about this….lately I feel just burnt out on trying to get everyone to do their part and just do it all myself….but this brings more burnout from doing it all!! After reading this and the comments, I have renewed ambition in making a go at this again for the sake of my kids and myself! I had ten siblings and we all did our part w/no dishwasher too!!:) so for the most part 5 kids doesn’t feel all that much after living in a family of 11…As long as everyone does their share! I always wish I would have done more for my parents now that I am one and am thankful for what they taught so I can raise mine!!:)
Sea May 22, 2013 at 9:53 am
What bothers me about this attitude is that you give your children no voice. You talk about training your kids, as if they were dogs. You talk about wanting them to obey you, taking away their things. They are humans, capable of cognition just as much as you, and they deserve more respect. Sure, they have clean rooms at the beginning of the day, but at what cost? At prioritizing cleaning above all else. Because having tidiness somehow is going to bring joy to them? No. I couldn’t tell you about a single time when I cleaned my room as a child. That isn’t where you make memories. That isn’t where childhood happens. Your kids would have learned on their own eventually, would have seen that it is easier to do fun things in your own space if it’s clean. Instead of that they get “trained” to care about the things you care about at your age, instead of being allowed their own priorities, which would have made them more independent and self-assured.
eunice May 25, 2013 at 11:39 am
It’s not like the kids have to clean every single minute of the day. This is just one aspect of their lives; it does not rule it. You say that kids will eventually learn to clean. When? when they are 20? living on their own? What if they don’t? As parents, it is our responsibility to ensure that our kids learn basic hygiene, respect for themselves and others, good moral values. If we do not teach them/discipline them, who will be the ones to teach them? Let’s not pass our responsibilities to other people. Do we expect teachers, schools to teach our kids to clean up after themselves? Even if they are taught in school, if the same is not instilled in the home, there will be no consistency and the child eventually will not learn to do things for himself and be self-sufficient. There are a lot of opportunities to create memories with them even while doing chores. Also, when they are done cleaning up (does it take hours to clean their room? Maybe 30 mins max), they have a lot of time left to enjoy their childhood. There’s a time to play, a time to learn/study, a time to be silly, a time to be quiet, a time to be loud. I don’t think there is anything wrong with “training” our kids to do things on their own, be independent, clean their mess because in the long run, they will thank you for it.
Anonymous June 9, 2013 at 10:23 am
I agree it is our responsibility to teach work hard, play hard. I work and have responsibilites. My kids need to learn that is how it works in the real world. When will they learn if we don’t teach them? And at what age??? It isn’t just a bunch of playtime!!!! Thank you for this article. I needed some helpful hints to create more sanity for me!!!
Anonymous May 22, 2013 at 5:23 pm
I am the oldest of six children. We grew up in the Philippines with maids. My mother grew up with maids. But my nana showed me how to clean and step back and appreciate the work we did together when I was four. My mother needless to say didn’t know how to clean (or cook really or anything lol…poor thing). When we came to America it was such a struggle! Now that I am older something in that time with my Nana would come home to me when I clean my place. I love having a clean place. Now my siblings all whined that they weren’t taught. They think I’m the luckiest one. And yet, I still struggle to clean everyday. I tell my husband all the time when we have kids we need to get them involved with the house and teach them so that it will not be hard on them when they get older. I think you’re doing a wonderful job. Love your comment about there’s no democracy in your home. Lol. Well, they’ll thank you someday!
Amy May 29, 2013 at 9:28 pm
thank you, thank you, thank you…. for making me feel like i’m not a “psycho hitler mom” because i want (and struggle with) my children to maintain their rooms. My husband and I adopted three boys three and a half years ago (ages 5, 7 and 8) and after four years of foster care in a home with no structure or discipline, it has been a major uphill battle to instill in them even the simplest of house rules. We’re getting there! But, i have to say, that there are days when i feel alone in my expectations. I’ve never been a neat freak, but i can’t be that mom that shuts the bedroom door and doesn’t worry about it unless there’s an infestation. I’ve tried… but i didn’t last very long. My husband and I both work and we’ve explained to them that maintaining their rooms is doing their part in taking care of our home…as a family. My problem is that none of my “inner circle” seem to share in my horror over the daily chaos that i face when i enter their rooms. I’m now to the point that i don’t even want to go upstairs to their bedrooms because i don’t want to get upset over what i know that i’ll see. So, i’ve sometimes worried that maybe “I” was the one that was doing something wrong. i really needed this post to give me renewed strength and insight. So, again, i thank you… and some day i KNOW that my children will thank me too!!
Kristyn May 30, 2013 at 9:54 pm
Ruth,
Good for you! Kudos for keeping family values a priority! And you are right, it will pay off in the future. Their future husbands and even their children, your grandchildren, will appreciate your hard work. Saying a prayer for you.
amys June 7, 2013 at 8:53 am
Thank you Ruth! I just found your blog/post through Pintrest. My girls are 9 and 2. I learned my lesson the hard way by doing too much for my oldest and chores are still an ongoing stuggle with her. We are trying to teach my youngest to be more independent/responsible as she grows…hang up coats/hats and pick up toys, etc. I appreciate your honesty and it looks like you have found a healthy balance for your family. I look forward to incorporating some of your strategies to help balance my role/day with my girls
Anonymous June 9, 2013 at 10:25 am
I have made the same mistake with my 9 year old and here we are with struggles and constant battles over cleaning the room and picking up the house!!! It is so frustrating! Working harder on my 7 and 4 year olds!!! It just helps keep my sanity to have some help!
Tamara Bennett June 7, 2013 at 2:57 pm
I am glad you “hit the publish button”. LOL. As I was reading this post, I couldn’t help but think it sounded like something I could have written. I do the same things with my kids. I definitely need to work on being more consistent and persistent with my children. Making the bed is still a challenge for my 6 year old, but we are working on it. I do need to purge a lot of their toys. I am currently debating on moving them into the same room and making the extra room a playroom. My boys are 2 and 6 and they play with the same toys so there is no reason to have “his” and “his” toys. I feel like it would be easier to keep organized if they were all in the same room. I appreciate all of your advice!
Kristy L June 8, 2013 at 12:01 am
We were having “make sure your dirty clothes make it into the hamper” battles and then I had my husband install a laundry chute from the bathroom closet down to the laundry area. What a success! The boys love to send their dirty clothes down the chute! No more scattered clothes trails in my house.
Emily H June 8, 2013 at 8:34 am
I love this article. My husband is the one who brings the order to our home. Through him I have learned the value of keeping a tidy home and getting it all cleaned up in the mornings. He is in Afghanistan right now, but when he is home, the best part of cleaning time is when he chases the kids around the house, tickling and wrestling them and filling their “love tank” so to speak. Then he will call everyone into service mode with positive instruction and a “Let’s do it!” attitude. Which, by the way, seems to work WAY better for him than it does for me
But, I keep going everyday with the chores and the expectancy that they will respect the home and belongings that we have been Blessed with.
Great article! Thanks for sharing.
Megan June 19, 2013 at 11:44 am
I have two kids, 8 and 5, with one on the way, so I am starting to feel the need to nest, declutter, and get organized for #3. Your article about taking away the toys really hit home because I recently did this to my oldest b/c I was so fed up with her room being a disaster and the fact that it didn’t seem to bother her in the least. So in frustration, I bagged up everything on the floor (two trash bags full) and took them away, with the intention of letting her gradually earn the toys back. She doesn’t seem to miss anything that was taken, though, so I think the items will go into the garage sale pile instead. And we are now working to clear out more items–maybe not all the toys, but definitely a lot of them. My goal is to get it to a manageable amount so that asking them to clean their rooms is not an insurmountable task. And I love the idea of making it part of the daily routine. If a little is done every day, it shouldn’t ever be a huge task for them. I know how much happier I am when the house is free of clutter, and even if they don’t act like it bothers them to have a messy room, I can’t help but think they will be better off mentally and emotionally if they aren’t surrounded by chaos. And to the person above who said kids will eventually learn to clean on their own….um no, they won’t. My mother-in-law is wonderful, but she raised my husband doing everything for him. He would leave dirty clothes all over his bedroom and magically they would all be cleaned and put away when he returned home from school. And what does he do now at 42 years old? Exactly what he was taught to do…leave stuff laying wherever it pleases him. Any part of the house that is totally his area, like the garage workbench and his side of the closet are a total disaster most of the time. It frustrates both of us, and that is exactly what I am trying to avoid by teaching my kids to be responsible, helpful members of our home.