A fed up mom set limits and cleaned out her kids room. One year later, the girls have seen some major changes. A must read to find out what happened!
A year ago this week I posted this (now infamous) post about taking my kids’ toys away. At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience. The comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to a few others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy.
Oh my.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: One Year Later
There have been so many comments left on that post that there is just no way to respond to them all. I thought instead I could address some of the questions that have come up most often:
What did you do with all their stuff? Did you throw it away?
To be honest, for the first week it all sat in huge pile in the hallway outside their room because I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic. The few remaining items went on the high shelves in their bedroom closet.
Why did you take their comforter away?
In that moment, I just wanted to completely clear their room of everything. We live in Florida where our A/C is usually set to 79 degrees all the time, so it wasn’t a matter of taking a basic need away–we can barely even get them to stay under the sheet, much less a heavy comforter. I guess to me it was just a symbol of all the excess in their lives.
Aren’t you afraid of causing lasting psychological damage?
Honestly, no. Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy. My girls are in no way deprived, and they still have plenty of things to do and play with. In fact, by most of the world’s standards, with enough to eat, a comfortable home, and access to school, sports, medicine, and art, they are still extremely privileged. My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on.
Are you a control freak?
Well…..My husband would probably say yes. I prefer to think of it as decisive. 🙂
What are your guidelines for the toys that you keep?
My main guideline is that we only keep toys that encourage their imagination or creativity. I hate toys that have a billion pieces, but that seems more or less unavoidable, so instead we rotate toys out on a regular basis. For instance my girls have a box of Littlest Pet Shop figurines that they love, as well as a big bin of Barbie dolls. If the Littlest Pet Shop stuff comes down from the attic, then the Barbie dolls go back up. Right now the only toys they have down are their American Girl dolls, a few doll outfits, and the food & dishes for their play kitchen.
What do you do with kids who are super sentimental?
My oldest daughter is super sentimental about everything so we often end up putting things in “keepsake” boxes up in the attic rather than giving them away. However, as she has gotten used to the idea of less she is more open to the idea of giving stuff away. One thing that helped a lot was donating many of their toys to our church nursery. That way they still have a chance to go and play with them every once in a while.
How do I convince my spouse to get on board with this idea?
It is definitely not good for kids to have their parents at odds over parenting decisions, and I think ultimately this will only work if parents are willing to stand together. If one spouse is reluctant to make such a drastic move, perhaps instead agree to a trial run before actually getting rid of everything. Fill up some big boxes or garbage bags with all the toys, then put them away in the garage or attic or basement–any place that is completely off limits–for a few weeks. At the end of the trial period you can decide how to proceed together.
Would this work with only one child?
I only have my own experience with two kids to go on, but I honestly think that most kids these days are overwhelmed by too much stuff. So….I guess yes, I think it probably would.
I’ve tried this but the stuff always comes back… How did you stand your ground?
Keeping on top of the influx of stuff is a constant battle! I recently had to do another major purge and reorganization because stuff was starting to pile up again. Several items somehow made their way down from the attic at the same time, while birthdays brought some new games and a few treasures and outfits for their dolls. They are also constantly bringing home papers and projects and little trinkets from church and school and birthday parties.
We have found that the only real solution to the continual flow is a commitment to the idea that we will not let ourselves or our kids get buried. We have to be diligent about clearing the clutter on a regular basis and only keeping out a few things at any given time. It is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
What do you do about birthdays & holidays?
I think really the most important shift we’ve made when it comes to both birthdays and holidays is de-emphasizing the presents in favor of the experience. Our girls love planning their elaborate birthday parties but no longer equate birthday parties with gifts. Changing the attitudes of our friends and family was a little harder at first. However, when they saw we were really serious (writing a very public article helped), they did begin respecting our requests for no gifts. Even their aunt, who was constantly showering them with gifts, has amended her ways and instead asks my husband for ideas on what they need.
This is not to say that we never give our kids any gifts; we do. We just really try to limit the quantity and to give things they need–such as new clothes or shoes or books–along with something they might want. We also prefer paying for experiences, such as a trip to a theme park or to go see the baby alligators hatch at a local zoo, rather than just a meaningless toy.
How has this experience changed you?
Seeing the changes in my children was definitely a catalyst for change in myself as well. Over the past year, my husband and I have found a lot more common ground in our quest for a simpler life. We started last fall with a two-month spending freeze that resulted in a lot more financial peace, and over the past year we have also worked really hard at clearing our lives of excess clutter and filling our “time jar” with the things that matter the most.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids. Teaching my kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to be content with what they have, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, and so,so much more–is an ongoing, daily responsibility. One year later, taking my kids’ toys away was an important turning point in our lives, but it was still only one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And we’re not done just yet.
Read the entire series:
- Why I Took All My Kids’ Toys Away {And Why They Won’t Get Them Back}
- Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: 6 Years Later
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue! How did this idea of taking kids’ toys away affect you personally? Did you try it with your own family? What was the result?
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Ruth Soukup
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When I read your first article it was at a time when we were so completely bogged down with toys that my kids weren’t even playin with them- they were too overwhelmed. I was frustrated and wanted to do something, and your article spurred me to action. I left a few things downstairs but took the toy boxes upstairs. And it’s made a huge difference! Thanks so much.
My mother did exactly this when I was a child.
I knew there was nothing I could do about it at the time, so I remained calm. If I had gotten visibly upset or protested, she would have persistently explained to me that I should not be upset, and not relented until I agreed that she had every right to do what she was doing and that I was happy. So I knew not to protest. I learned to amuse myself in other ways. I adjusted. I was not a miserable child. I was loved, and my mother had the very best of intentions.
Whatever she had intended to teach me was certainly not what I took away from the incident. At the time I tried my best to show that it didn’t bother me, that I wasn’t affected and that I was happy and knew she loved me. She showed her love for me in many ways, with hugs, homecooked meals, special outings, etc, and I never felt unloved. But I was afraid to bring anything home from school, because I knew I could not keep it. I was afraid to get gifts from my friends because I knew they weren’t really “mine” and my mother might take them from me if she so decided. When I drew pictures I gave them away, because I knew they would be thrown out. I was afraid to say that I would like to keep my things, because I knew I would be called a spoiled brat. I was afraid to ask for my things back, because I knew that would be her “proof” that what she had done was necessary.
When I was in my 20s (I moved away from that house shortly after turning 18 and spent several years adrift trying to unwind from the relentless control I had grown up under) I finally had the courage to bring up what she had done so many years ago, that I’d never forgotten it and that I would probably never forgive her for it. She slapped me across the face and said I was a cruel person to say something like that and that all children are spoiled brats and she had to do what she did because I was out of control and she needed to show me who was in charge. All I could think of was how I had tried so hard to let it go, tried so hard not to miss my things, tried so hard to just find other things to amuse myself with, tried so hard not to react like the “spoiled brat” she knew I was, but that how, more than fifteen years later, I still wasn’t over it. The fury that the things I had believed I owned were not really mine at all, and the dread that if I got attached to anything else, if I started to value some other object, I would lose that too, those feelings never went away.
Sure, learned not to assign value to material things. I learned to adapt. I learned to be happy with whatever situation I was in, even if I felt crushed inside. And sure, those are valuable lessons to learn. I don’t bow to the “more, bigger, better” mentality – good enough is good enough. I make conscious decisions not to be wasteful. But it took me until I was in my 30s to learn to get rid of things on my own. Clothing that was worn out, appliances that had lost their usefulness due to changing lifestyles, books I didn’t enjoy, old magazines – things I was keeping simply because I could.
My husband and I rarely fight, but when we do, it is often because one of us is upset about something unrelated to the fight itself. One of my hot buttons is him throwing away things of mine because he doesn’t know what they are and assumes they are junk, or even just mentioning something like “I should just clear out all this junk in here” while making a sweeping gesture indicating things that don’t belong to him and are therefor “junk” in his eyes. It took me a very long time to understand that he threw things away because he was trying to tidy up and thought (for some reason) that they were garbage, not to teach me a lesson, not to exert his control over me, not to put me in my place and not because he was jealous of the attention I gave those objects. It is always a mistake and is never done for any of the motivations I automatically assign him.
Did my mother ruin my life by taking away all of my things (yes, even my pretty comforter)? No, of course not. I have a great life. I have a wonderful home and a wonderful marriage. But it certainly affected me and still does, in sneaky little ways it sometimes takes me years to catch on to. Once I realized I was keeping things unnecessarily just so I could revel in the fact that I could, I threw away what wasn’t useable and gave away whatever someone else could use, and I try to do that every so often so I don’t accumulate things that have no worth to me. Once I realized I get upset with my husband because of things my mother did with me as a child, I stopped working myself into a fury every time some minor item of mine disappeared and just talked to him calmly and replaced the item if necessary (and he has gotten much better about leaving things alone if he doesn’t know what they are)
My relationship with my mother isn’t that wonderful, though. I try to see her only a few times a year, although we live only a few hours drive from each other. I find being in her presence to be emotionally exhausting, and I never know what to do when she starts bragging to her friends what a great parent she was, and how wonderfully her daughter turned out due to all her hard work. I just sit there seething, thinking of the years I spent as a young adult trying to pick apart all the strings of control she’d wrapped around me for my entire life, how many different ways I let other people walk all over me in so many situations because I was already trained to just give up, give in and make things easier because there was nothing I could do. I’m terrified to have my own children, and I probably won’t at this point, because I know everything my mother did she did out of love. If she did these things that have left me scarred even now, what kinds of things will I do to my hypothetical children? Love is not always enough.
I love my mother, but too much time in her presence makes me cringe. Your children have adjusted to having their things taken away. They are happy because their other choice is to be unhappy about something they cannot change. Maybe, as adults, they will look back and think, wow, my mom was such a great parent, she really taught us a lesson on materialism by taking all our things away that day, and I’m so thankful for what I learned. Or, they might resent you forever. If so, the damage is done. You made that choice. Keep making choices like that and you will have children who grow up to be like me, who hold you at a distance, who are wary of allowing you in their homes for fear of what you might take control of and what they might allow you to do out of deeply ingrained habit, who, as adults, are learning lessons they should have been brought up with, such as how to stand up for themselves and not allow themselves to be trampled upon by anyone who holds themselves in a higher position.
Your choice. Love doesn’t make everything okay
I so empathize with you, dear Anonymous. I truly hope people will read what you’ve written here and learn from it. Unfortunately, those who have such a desperate need to control others, especially those who are weaker than they are, are probably not going see the truth in your words. They can’t. Many even go so far as to mistake their micromanagement as Godly discipline. What they fail to see is that one of the greatest gifts God gives is freedom of choice. When one has to “take all their children’s toys away” they are at the same time taking away their children’s God-given gift of freedom of choice. This is not something anyone has the right to do to any other human being unless they are a criminal that needs to be imprisoned. I also will add that this desperate need to micromanage is often a seen in adults who have suffered some kind of abuse in their childhood, often sexual abuse. It is an unconscious way of trying to reach back and take control of a situation that they had no control over. These people are to be pitied, and so are their poor children.
“…I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy.”
Well that pretty much sums it up.
Nancy Ü
Ruth I began reading your book living well spending less last night and I cannot put it down! I love your story it’s ex what has happened to me. I love your blog. You are phenomenal! I have started this journey following your example and I’m sharing it on Instagram and several of my friends are joining me! I’m so thrilled with simplifying every facet of my life. Thank you sincerely! I adore you!!!
Best
Christi
Like the idea. What do you do when your daughters have friends over who are not used to this idea?