A fed up mom set limits and cleaned out her kids room. One year later, the girls have seen some major changes. A must read to find out what happened!
A year ago this week I posted this (now infamous) post about taking my kids’ toys away. At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience. The comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to a few others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy.
Oh my.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: One Year Later
There have been so many comments left on that post that there is just no way to respond to them all. I thought instead I could address some of the questions that have come up most often:
What did you do with all their stuff? Did you throw it away?
To be honest, for the first week it all sat in huge pile in the hallway outside their room because I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic. The few remaining items went on the high shelves in their bedroom closet.
Why did you take their comforter away?
In that moment, I just wanted to completely clear their room of everything. We live in Florida where our A/C is usually set to 79 degrees all the time, so it wasn’t a matter of taking a basic need away–we can barely even get them to stay under the sheet, much less a heavy comforter. I guess to me it was just a symbol of all the excess in their lives.
Aren’t you afraid of causing lasting psychological damage?
Honestly, no. Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy. My girls are in no way deprived, and they still have plenty of things to do and play with. In fact, by most of the world’s standards, with enough to eat, a comfortable home, and access to school, sports, medicine, and art, they are still extremely privileged. My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on.
Are you a control freak?
Well…..My husband would probably say yes. I prefer to think of it as decisive. 🙂
What are your guidelines for the toys that you keep?
My main guideline is that we only keep toys that encourage their imagination or creativity. I hate toys that have a billion pieces, but that seems more or less unavoidable, so instead we rotate toys out on a regular basis. For instance my girls have a box of Littlest Pet Shop figurines that they love, as well as a big bin of Barbie dolls. If the Littlest Pet Shop stuff comes down from the attic, then the Barbie dolls go back up. Right now the only toys they have down are their American Girl dolls, a few doll outfits, and the food & dishes for their play kitchen.
What do you do with kids who are super sentimental?
My oldest daughter is super sentimental about everything so we often end up putting things in “keepsake” boxes up in the attic rather than giving them away. However, as she has gotten used to the idea of less she is more open to the idea of giving stuff away. One thing that helped a lot was donating many of their toys to our church nursery. That way they still have a chance to go and play with them every once in a while.
How do I convince my spouse to get on board with this idea?
It is definitely not good for kids to have their parents at odds over parenting decisions, and I think ultimately this will only work if parents are willing to stand together. If one spouse is reluctant to make such a drastic move, perhaps instead agree to a trial run before actually getting rid of everything. Fill up some big boxes or garbage bags with all the toys, then put them away in the garage or attic or basement–any place that is completely off limits–for a few weeks. At the end of the trial period you can decide how to proceed together.
Would this work with only one child?
I only have my own experience with two kids to go on, but I honestly think that most kids these days are overwhelmed by too much stuff. So….I guess yes, I think it probably would.
I’ve tried this but the stuff always comes back… How did you stand your ground?
Keeping on top of the influx of stuff is a constant battle! I recently had to do another major purge and reorganization because stuff was starting to pile up again. Several items somehow made their way down from the attic at the same time, while birthdays brought some new games and a few treasures and outfits for their dolls. They are also constantly bringing home papers and projects and little trinkets from church and school and birthday parties.
We have found that the only real solution to the continual flow is a commitment to the idea that we will not let ourselves or our kids get buried. We have to be diligent about clearing the clutter on a regular basis and only keeping out a few things at any given time. It is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
What do you do about birthdays & holidays?
I think really the most important shift we’ve made when it comes to both birthdays and holidays is de-emphasizing the presents in favor of the experience. Our girls love planning their elaborate birthday parties but no longer equate birthday parties with gifts. Changing the attitudes of our friends and family was a little harder at first. However, when they saw we were really serious (writing a very public article helped), they did begin respecting our requests for no gifts. Even their aunt, who was constantly showering them with gifts, has amended her ways and instead asks my husband for ideas on what they need.
This is not to say that we never give our kids any gifts; we do. We just really try to limit the quantity and to give things they need–such as new clothes or shoes or books–along with something they might want. We also prefer paying for experiences, such as a trip to a theme park or to go see the baby alligators hatch at a local zoo, rather than just a meaningless toy.
How has this experience changed you?
Seeing the changes in my children was definitely a catalyst for change in myself as well. Over the past year, my husband and I have found a lot more common ground in our quest for a simpler life. We started last fall with a two-month spending freeze that resulted in a lot more financial peace, and over the past year we have also worked really hard at clearing our lives of excess clutter and filling our “time jar” with the things that matter the most.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids. Teaching my kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to be content with what they have, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, and so,so much more–is an ongoing, daily responsibility. One year later, taking my kids’ toys away was an important turning point in our lives, but it was still only one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And we’re not done just yet.
Read the entire series:
- Why I Took All My Kids’ Toys Away {And Why They Won’t Get Them Back}
- Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: 6 Years Later
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue! How did this idea of taking kids’ toys away affect you personally? Did you try it with your own family? What was the result?
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I love this idea. My children share a room and they have accumulated so much stuff that I could probably cover the floor of our entire house and still have more stuff to spare. The problem I think I would have with something like this is that I am remarried and they go to their father’s house every other weekend (and summers), and he feels that he needs to buy their love. Any suggestions on how I can simplify their lives when they have a father that overloads them with expensive toys (Nabi – like a Kindle but for children, Nitendo DS 3D’s, etc.)?
If you and your Ex are on speaking terms and you feel comfortable you could share this post with him and then talk about how each of you feel regarding the topic of toys, gifts, etc… If not maybe try to have guidelines at your house and do the best you can. Divorce is hard.
I wish you the best of luck!
🙂
I love this idea. Right now my 6 yr old son lost most of his toys (all of them to begin with) because he dared me to take them away. He got his Legos back first because they are his favorites, and that kept him occupied and content. He has recently asked for his Army Men, which I keep forgetting to retrieve for him and his Nerf guns. The Nerf stuff was on top of the box, so I was able to get those back for him this past weekend. I have a couple of learning toys in the boxes that I will keep for little brother and a few toys that are my husband’s from his own childhood that will be pulled out and packed away, but I think we will be selling the rest (and quite a few of little brother’s toys too) to a resale shop. I think from now on gifts will be mostly consumables, like art supplies or activities that we can enjoy as a family. Now if I can just get my inlaws to understand that the boys don’t need $5 worth of useless trinkets for every.single.stinking. holiday. I will also be packing up what is left of my own excess toys, but I have been systematically purging my own stuff for a few years. And then we will work on my husband’s stuff…he says he is ready.
I applaud you. I’ve always wanted to do just that but fear that it may affect my kids negatively. You have inspired me. I usually threaten to do just what u did but never follow through. I think the key is that u were calm although fed up. Not angry. Great job!!
I don’t know if this will be answered, since the original post was written so long ago, but I’ll try: I LOVE THIS!!! I do a massive toy-purge every birthday and Christmas, and it always leads to boxes and boxes of STUFF that we end up giving away. I love your guidelines for what will stay, and I try to think of that myself (also, another commenter used the quote: “Keep nothing which you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful” — I love that, too!). My husband and I are totally on board with this, my kids (2 and 3) don’t notice or care, and our apartment is too small to do things any other way, anyway. My question is, in-laws. (It always comes down to them, doesn’t it?) They LOVE buying toys, clothes, books, candy, you name it for our kids, and I know it would really hurt them to be told — No more! Is it more loving to accept all the gifts I know our kids don’t need and then subtly give away the ones we won’t use or to tell them up front our preference? (I wouldn’t normally have a problem with being straight with people, but my in-laws are particularly sensitive and set in their ways, and my parenting has thrown a wrench in the works several times already. I love them, but we certainly don’t see eye-to-eye. Also, I didn’t grow up with grandparents or any extended family close by, so I’m not used to the inundation of stuff that comes with five grand/great-grand-parents living right here!) I know this is very long, but it’s something I’ve had a problem with since our oldest was born, and I can’t quite figure out how to strike a truly loving balance. Thank you!!!
I am having this same issue with my inlaws. They live next door, so they feel they must give gifts for every holiday. My mom lives out of town so she usually just mails money for the major things like Bdays and Christmas. Since Easter is fast approaching, I think I am going ask that my MIL take the money she would spend on an Easter basket for each boy (that she doesn’t need to provide anyway because that is for the PARENTS not the grandparents to do…but I digress), and put it in a safe place to use later in the year to buy them something nice (instead of cheap crap) for Bdays and Christmas. She also always spends around $5 each on greeting cards to go with the gifts, I think I will ask her to put that money toward gifts also, because kids don’t care about greeting cards, and I am not saving potentially hundreds of greeting cards for the next 20 years until the kids are old enough to feel guilty about throwing them away and thus put them in their own storage units.
Hi I just read your blog because a friend posted it on facebook. I am a nanny for two 2 year olds, a four year old and a 7 year old. they are from two different families so that has made things very interesting trying to blend two very different styles of parenting plus my own beliefs. One family, while they have a lot of things, keeps the house very neat and tidy and i’m there two days a week. While the other family has a ton of things and does not keep there house clean at all!!! Like the house is sticky they don’t even have bibs. So I have been very creative in everything that I do when i’m there. I have more then I need in my own life but I also constantly purge to keep my things to a minimal. Oh how I would love to do this at there houses!!! But I have come up with a similar technique to yours and I only let them play with one or two things at a time. If they want to play with something else they have to pick up what they already have out. And yes the two year olds pick up all the toys by themselves. We do make a game out of it and I will tell them things such as who can find the red block and so forth but very rarely do I pick up after them. We also spend a part of every day reading and yes I do let them play a game on my kindle but it is all about spelling and learning there sounds of the alphabet. They absolutely love it and always are asking me if they can spell more words there are usually tears when I tell them that our electronic time is up. But my point is kids need very little to keep them busy and are happier when there are less things to fight over which make for a happier day for me as well. I’m glad you wrote about this and I am going to talk with one family about taking the things they don’t need such as, cloths that are too small or toys they don’t want, and putting them aside so I can teach the kids about giving to others by packing shoe boxes for operation Christmas child. I have wanted to do this but don’t have the money to buy everything to put in them so why not let them send on and pick from there own things to share with others. Thanks again.