A fed up mom set limits and cleaned out her kids room. One year later, the girls have seen some major changes. A must read to find out what happened!
A year ago this week I posted this (now infamous) post about taking my kids’ toys away. At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience. The comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to a few others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy.
Oh my.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: One Year Later
There have been so many comments left on that post that there is just no way to respond to them all. I thought instead I could address some of the questions that have come up most often:
What did you do with all their stuff? Did you throw it away?
To be honest, for the first week it all sat in huge pile in the hallway outside their room because I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic. The few remaining items went on the high shelves in their bedroom closet.
Why did you take their comforter away?
In that moment, I just wanted to completely clear their room of everything. We live in Florida where our A/C is usually set to 79 degrees all the time, so it wasn’t a matter of taking a basic need away–we can barely even get them to stay under the sheet, much less a heavy comforter. I guess to me it was just a symbol of all the excess in their lives.
Aren’t you afraid of causing lasting psychological damage?
Honestly, no. Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy. My girls are in no way deprived, and they still have plenty of things to do and play with. In fact, by most of the world’s standards, with enough to eat, a comfortable home, and access to school, sports, medicine, and art, they are still extremely privileged. My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on.
Are you a control freak?
Well…..My husband would probably say yes. I prefer to think of it as decisive. 🙂
What are your guidelines for the toys that you keep?
My main guideline is that we only keep toys that encourage their imagination or creativity. I hate toys that have a billion pieces, but that seems more or less unavoidable, so instead we rotate toys out on a regular basis. For instance my girls have a box of Littlest Pet Shop figurines that they love, as well as a big bin of Barbie dolls. If the Littlest Pet Shop stuff comes down from the attic, then the Barbie dolls go back up. Right now the only toys they have down are their American Girl dolls, a few doll outfits, and the food & dishes for their play kitchen.
What do you do with kids who are super sentimental?
My oldest daughter is super sentimental about everything so we often end up putting things in “keepsake” boxes up in the attic rather than giving them away. However, as she has gotten used to the idea of less she is more open to the idea of giving stuff away. One thing that helped a lot was donating many of their toys to our church nursery. That way they still have a chance to go and play with them every once in a while.
How do I convince my spouse to get on board with this idea?
It is definitely not good for kids to have their parents at odds over parenting decisions, and I think ultimately this will only work if parents are willing to stand together. If one spouse is reluctant to make such a drastic move, perhaps instead agree to a trial run before actually getting rid of everything. Fill up some big boxes or garbage bags with all the toys, then put them away in the garage or attic or basement–any place that is completely off limits–for a few weeks. At the end of the trial period you can decide how to proceed together.
Would this work with only one child?
I only have my own experience with two kids to go on, but I honestly think that most kids these days are overwhelmed by too much stuff. So….I guess yes, I think it probably would.
I’ve tried this but the stuff always comes back… How did you stand your ground?
Keeping on top of the influx of stuff is a constant battle! I recently had to do another major purge and reorganization because stuff was starting to pile up again. Several items somehow made their way down from the attic at the same time, while birthdays brought some new games and a few treasures and outfits for their dolls. They are also constantly bringing home papers and projects and little trinkets from church and school and birthday parties.
We have found that the only real solution to the continual flow is a commitment to the idea that we will not let ourselves or our kids get buried. We have to be diligent about clearing the clutter on a regular basis and only keeping out a few things at any given time. It is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
What do you do about birthdays & holidays?
I think really the most important shift we’ve made when it comes to both birthdays and holidays is de-emphasizing the presents in favor of the experience. Our girls love planning their elaborate birthday parties but no longer equate birthday parties with gifts. Changing the attitudes of our friends and family was a little harder at first. However, when they saw we were really serious (writing a very public article helped), they did begin respecting our requests for no gifts. Even their aunt, who was constantly showering them with gifts, has amended her ways and instead asks my husband for ideas on what they need.
This is not to say that we never give our kids any gifts; we do. We just really try to limit the quantity and to give things they need–such as new clothes or shoes or books–along with something they might want. We also prefer paying for experiences, such as a trip to a theme park or to go see the baby alligators hatch at a local zoo, rather than just a meaningless toy.
How has this experience changed you?
Seeing the changes in my children was definitely a catalyst for change in myself as well. Over the past year, my husband and I have found a lot more common ground in our quest for a simpler life. We started last fall with a two-month spending freeze that resulted in a lot more financial peace, and over the past year we have also worked really hard at clearing our lives of excess clutter and filling our “time jar” with the things that matter the most.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids. Teaching my kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to be content with what they have, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, and so,so much more–is an ongoing, daily responsibility. One year later, taking my kids’ toys away was an important turning point in our lives, but it was still only one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And we’re not done just yet.
Read the entire series:
- Why I Took All My Kids’ Toys Away {And Why They Won’t Get Them Back}
- Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: 6 Years Later
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue! How did this idea of taking kids’ toys away affect you personally? Did you try it with your own family? What was the result?
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Ruth Soukup
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It’s amazing what you have done. I have worked with the ages of Preschool/Kindergarten for ten years. I have seen the slow progression of kids who were full of imagination to kids that don’t know how to play. We have to teach them how to play with simple toys like Lincoln Logs or Legos. They don’t know how to make a simple ball or snake with homemade play dough. They can’t hold a pencil or a crayon. When my oldest son was born almost 15 years ago, I had NO parenting skills. I was young and I think babysat twice in my life. I didn’t understand those parenting magazines either. They made no sense to me. What I did know was that I liked to play as a kid. I didn’t have a lot of stuff so I used my imagination. I played with Play-dough with my son because I remember how much fun it was. Every time I bought some fancy toy, he had more fun playing with the box.
I am no where near perfect when it comes to parenting, but I am happy that when my kids went to preschool for socialization (I struggled in that area), they knew how to hold a pencil, they had the attention span to listen to a story that the teacher read, they were content coloring and drawing, they knew how to create something out of Legos…they knew how to be kids.
I am sadly the sad demise of kids that don’t know how to do any of those things. The kids that sit in front of a TV or play video games all day. I have teenagers now- and yes they play video games with the best of them- but when it’s time to turn off electronics, they can occupy themselves and not drive me crazy. 🙂
You are doing great! I wish more parents invested time in their children. God bless you! I am still learning…
Thanks Yolanda!
This article reminded me of a friend of mine whose (then 9 year old son) once made the mistake of saying “Is this it?” after opening his Christmas presents. My friend, his Mom, vowed never to give him another Christmas present again. And she didn’t. Instead,, she and some of her friends used their Christmas money to start helping the needy in their area. The last time I spoke to her (years ago) they had raised enough money to have a big Christmas dinner (with gifts for these chiodren) for over 200 people and their families. Her son grew up to be a very fine young man with a strong conviction to serve Christ. It’s not the presents, expensive lessons, nice cars, trips to Disney , or any of theses extras that really matter in the long run. Keeping eternity in front of them. That’s what matters.
I did the Peace Corps in Guatemala and spent a Christmas with a wonderful family (4 grandparents, 7 of their children plus spouses, and a small army of rugrats). It completely changed my perspective of Christmas and the American excess. They had 9 evenings of family activities leading up to Christmas, each night had a theme. The kids had a special activity related to the theme. One night the theme was grandparents; the current grandparents told stories of their grandparents, the kids made drawings of their grandparents, and I was able to tell them about my grandparents. The last night (Christmas Eve), the children were asked to bring a small toy. One of the uncles explained the importance of being grateful for the family, for the food, for the roof over their heads (“even though we don’t have a lot, there are still people out there with less”). For the children’s activity, the uncle talked with them about the kids who lived in the local garbage dump (homeless permanent garbage pickers). He asked them to wrap their presents that they had brought, and he told them he would bring all their gifts to those children. I was totally crying, the kids were engrossed in their mission to help others!
I am always fighting a constant battle to reduce clutter. I wish I could live more simply, with fewer toys all over the floor everywhere, but my problem is the holidays. For the entire spam of my sons life we have only given him a few needed items for holiday s, like clothes and school supplies. The problem is an extended family member. I get boxes full of stuff shipped to my doorstep for my child. At Christmas, hundreds of dollars of toys are given. I truly appreciate that they are so generous, and trying to show their affection. I just wish they would listen to what we actually need. I have tried setting up a college fund that they could add to, they never have. I have been reduced to trying to sell much of the stuff or give it away. I wish there was a better way.
This happened with my oldest son (now 21.). My ex and I were on a very tight budget throughout his preschool days, so we were very selective about what toys we bought. Not so the grandparents! It got to the point where he had nearly every age-appropriate toy on the market (duplos/Lego sets, cars, little tykes, plays skool….). It was almost impossible for us to get him anything he did not already have! One grandparent started ordering from specialty catalogues so her gifts would be more special & unique; the other countered by buying things far too advanced (like Star Trek collector watches, a REAL model train set, even a television!) telling us we could just ‘keep them back’ for him until he was older. Excuse me?? His room was stuffed as it was, and when a child opens. Gift, he wants to play with it now! This went on for years and eventually became a power struggle on all fronts. If we said no not only about gifts!- the grandparents attempted to pull rank and trump us. If we attempted to purge, they threw guilt at us and our son…. Or told him how cruel and unfair it was that we were taking his things away…. even though he would not clean the hoarder’s paradise he called a room! My advice: take control of that attitude of excess NOW and deal with it head-on! It also helps to instill a *giving* spirit and an attitude of gratitude in the kiddos as they give their stuff to churches, daycare centers, or less fortunate children. Good luck!
My husband’s late wife’s family is like that with “their” granddaughter (my daughter), we fixed it very simply by opening the presents before she did, showing her the inappropriate ones, then sending those back to them, and including a note with it saying, “Thank you for the thought, but this item really isn’t appropriate and (child) has asked that we send it back so that you can find a better home for this.” Amazingly enough, within 3 years, they call before every gift giving occasion and ask us what to send. They know full well, anything that isn’t appropriate will be sent back, and that within 6 months most things end up donated at the child’s request. We’re no longer getting whole pick up loads of gifts when her birthday rolls around, we’re not getting items that in our small town environment just aren’t socially acceptable, and we’re not getting things we’ve told them she isn’t allowed. It’s made it much easier to get her what she actually needs and leaves room for other people to buy her gifts as well.
This whole thread is terribly depressing, but this post is the worst of the worst. “Inappropriate?” “Socially acceptable?” Were they sending sex toys? After three years, I would have stop sending gifts altogether. You seem to have missed the whole point of gift-giving, and the opportunity to teach your daughter to be gracious.
I agreed with your first post and I agree with this one even more. I think these answers you have provided will probably help some people understand why this is a good think for the kids, and not a punishment as some pelople would think!
We recently moved and when we did we got rid of lots of toys, which was great. But now my boys earn allowance and they want to buy all the junky toys at Walgreens and cvs. They have earned the money and I want them to learn to make smart choices, but we are filling the house up with junk. The toys break and fall apart so they know that they are not good toys, but the can’t resist buying something.
My girly is like this, she’ll get money then want to use it right away, I’ve found its mostly because she dosnt have goals, when we started asking her if she wanted this cheap breakable toy or that really nice doll in the other store she’d generally say the doll and would use her money. Now I’m not saying this always works or that it didnt take a long time and a lot of teaching but it could be beneficial to give it a shot.
That is a really good idea. Thanks for responding!
I agree with the idea of setting a goal. I read an article that said money spending habits are formed by age 7. 7!!! So when my son asked for the “transformer collection” I quickly let him know I thought it was excessive and 2 things had to happen: 1. Save your allowance and buy it yourself and 2. Your existing toys have got to kids without any before you get the transformers. He immediately picked out some toys for the donate pile and he’s got $150 saved. Yes, my 5 year old saved $150 (lol). When I ask him how much he plans to save before buying the transformers, he gives a purposely unreasonable answer. I’m hoping its because the lesson hit home and he’s realizing that perhaps he should splurge months worth of saving on a few toys and then stay with no money. We are currently getting ready for the Christmas purge and adding to the donate pile. So far, that’s 2 toy purges, $150 saved, and no new purchases. Oh! And when he asked for the cheap cvs toys, I always graciously offer to take him back home so that he can get his money and offer to take him back to buy it. The answer is always no, that’s not what the money is for. Sometimes he cries because I don’t budge; but he gets over it 100% of the time. 🙂
I am just confused on why kids gets allowances? I don’t have any children, but I never got an allowance as a child. If I wanted to get a toy (which I played outside most days with my three sisters and neighborhood kids) I would have to get all my chores and hw done and not get in trouble. I understand that teaching them how to handle money is important, but isn’t that what a first job is for? I would love responses!
First jobs don’t come until much later than kids need to understand money. I got an allowance as a child, but believe me, it was minimal. I think the most I ever got was $10/week, and that was after probably five years of allowances. We also had to save 10% of every allowance, and tithe 10%, as well as keep a ledger showing where every penny went. I was doing that at 6 years old! I didn’t have my first “real” job until I was 14.
These days it’s pretty hard to get a ‘real’ job before 18. Even 16 yrs old – pretty much the only thing my youngest bro can do is sweep up – can’t even do full janitor stuff at his climbing gym for a discount cause there’re “dangerous chemicals” in toilet bowl cleaner. My dad is a remodeller/painter and technically my bro isn’t allowed to help him in pretty much ANY way. No ladders, no paint, no drills, etc. And this isn’t even a union state. His only income is from mowing a few yards.
I received a minimal allowance as a kid. I never got more than $1 /week. My parents bought the things necessary. Food. Shoes. Pants (once we got taller than our hand-me-downers). Etc. Wants were negotiated, or saved up for. I had to save half of the fee to go to summer camp. Babysitting $, lawn mowing $, dandelion picking $ (yeah, my mom paid 1 penny per dandelion and after a couple years had an almost dandelion-free yard with no pestisides!). My parents viewed household chores as jobs. My dad got paid for doing his job. So I got paid for doing my jobs. They never tied grades to allowance, tho.
In order to graduate from highschool at my parents’ house, you have to be able to paint a room; from choosing the color, to prep’ing, to painting, to clean up. We also know how to spackle, sand, saw, drill, light a fire and cook over it, most of us (6 in all, 4 boys) know how to crochet and/or knit and basic sewing, cooking (some of us are well rounded and some prefer one aspect – I like baking better than cooking, unless there is fire involved; bro #2 is an award winning dutch-oven cook as well as being beloved by his church and co-workers for goodies/potluck).
It was only as an older teen that I realized that we lived at or below the ‘poverty’ line. I NEVER felt ‘poor’. Instead of going to Disney like one of my friends (an only child) we went camping as a family. And I have GREAT memories. My sibs and I read books, played imagination games (space games while carrying wood from the woodpiles to the house, etc), worked on hobbies. For a period of time every month or so the four of us -2 kids per room – would swap bedrooms on cleaning day (looking back as an adult, I’m not sure how my mom played along!) We wouldn’t swap bedframes (tho we did rearrange them) but we did keep our own mattresses – one bro was a bed-wetter and no one wanted his mattress. So we learned to transfer more-or-less-quickly drawers full of clothes, toys, books, etc. A logic/engineering communication/problem-solving/teamwork puzzle on so many different levels. And yes, we had minimal toys. I still remember as a 4 yr old when my mom cleared out my bro’s and my stuffed animal collection – I think we got to keep 2 each. All the rest went into the attic and then they rotated. We complained, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t scarred! 🙂
We lived in town, but I felt like I had a ‘country’ upbringing in a lot of ways.
I now live overseas – I travel with one or two suitcases for a year at a time. One suitcase for clothes that I can’t get overseas – long undies, a pair of jeans, a couple shirts, warm boots, wool socks – and then the second case was for a few Christmas things, a few presents/cards (no mailing address for a year at a time), some health and beauty products like a year’s worth of contact lens solution, vitamins, 200 movie/tv show discs in binders, favorite tea, etc. I then buy the rest of the things I need when I arrive at my new home, and when I leave, I’ll take a few small things for souvenirs for family/friends/self and leave the rest behind. It does seem wasteful at times to set up house several times. “Haven’t I ALREADY bought a _____ ??!” But really I can’t ship ALL THE THINGS around the world and back again. I know that being raised with a ‘less-is-more’ attitude makes my current life some much more angst free. Thanks, Mom!
Ladies, keep up the good work as you strive to raise happy, healthy, productive, well-rounded kids!!!
I have rwo children (6 and 8). My husband and I do not give allowance. We do, however, allow them to work for commission. They have a 4-5 chores that they have to keep up with for the week. On Friday evening we ask them about their jobs (along with keeping track of their success, struggles). If they have accomplished their job all week they are given their pay checks. Usually it’s $1 a job (about $4 a week). We help them split their earnings into tithing, saving, and spending. They have opportunities to earn more with extra jobs.
Children need to be taught from an early age to manage their money. First jobs are good for re-enforcment of the concepts but training should start early.