A fed up mom set limits and cleaned out her kids room. One year later, the girls have seen some major changes. A must read to find out what happened!
A year ago this week I posted this (now infamous) post about taking my kids’ toys away. At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience. The comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to a few others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy.
Oh my.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: One Year Later
There have been so many comments left on that post that there is just no way to respond to them all. I thought instead I could address some of the questions that have come up most often:
What did you do with all their stuff? Did you throw it away?
To be honest, for the first week it all sat in huge pile in the hallway outside their room because I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic. The few remaining items went on the high shelves in their bedroom closet.
Why did you take their comforter away?
In that moment, I just wanted to completely clear their room of everything. We live in Florida where our A/C is usually set to 79 degrees all the time, so it wasn’t a matter of taking a basic need away–we can barely even get them to stay under the sheet, much less a heavy comforter. I guess to me it was just a symbol of all the excess in their lives.
Aren’t you afraid of causing lasting psychological damage?
Honestly, no. Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy. My girls are in no way deprived, and they still have plenty of things to do and play with. In fact, by most of the world’s standards, with enough to eat, a comfortable home, and access to school, sports, medicine, and art, they are still extremely privileged. My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on.
Are you a control freak?
Well…..My husband would probably say yes. I prefer to think of it as decisive. 🙂
What are your guidelines for the toys that you keep?
My main guideline is that we only keep toys that encourage their imagination or creativity. I hate toys that have a billion pieces, but that seems more or less unavoidable, so instead we rotate toys out on a regular basis. For instance my girls have a box of Littlest Pet Shop figurines that they love, as well as a big bin of Barbie dolls. If the Littlest Pet Shop stuff comes down from the attic, then the Barbie dolls go back up. Right now the only toys they have down are their American Girl dolls, a few doll outfits, and the food & dishes for their play kitchen.
What do you do with kids who are super sentimental?
My oldest daughter is super sentimental about everything so we often end up putting things in “keepsake” boxes up in the attic rather than giving them away. However, as she has gotten used to the idea of less she is more open to the idea of giving stuff away. One thing that helped a lot was donating many of their toys to our church nursery. That way they still have a chance to go and play with them every once in a while.
How do I convince my spouse to get on board with this idea?
It is definitely not good for kids to have their parents at odds over parenting decisions, and I think ultimately this will only work if parents are willing to stand together. If one spouse is reluctant to make such a drastic move, perhaps instead agree to a trial run before actually getting rid of everything. Fill up some big boxes or garbage bags with all the toys, then put them away in the garage or attic or basement–any place that is completely off limits–for a few weeks. At the end of the trial period you can decide how to proceed together.
Would this work with only one child?
I only have my own experience with two kids to go on, but I honestly think that most kids these days are overwhelmed by too much stuff. So….I guess yes, I think it probably would.
I’ve tried this but the stuff always comes back… How did you stand your ground?
Keeping on top of the influx of stuff is a constant battle! I recently had to do another major purge and reorganization because stuff was starting to pile up again. Several items somehow made their way down from the attic at the same time, while birthdays brought some new games and a few treasures and outfits for their dolls. They are also constantly bringing home papers and projects and little trinkets from church and school and birthday parties.
We have found that the only real solution to the continual flow is a commitment to the idea that we will not let ourselves or our kids get buried. We have to be diligent about clearing the clutter on a regular basis and only keeping out a few things at any given time. It is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
What do you do about birthdays & holidays?
I think really the most important shift we’ve made when it comes to both birthdays and holidays is de-emphasizing the presents in favor of the experience. Our girls love planning their elaborate birthday parties but no longer equate birthday parties with gifts. Changing the attitudes of our friends and family was a little harder at first. However, when they saw we were really serious (writing a very public article helped), they did begin respecting our requests for no gifts. Even their aunt, who was constantly showering them with gifts, has amended her ways and instead asks my husband for ideas on what they need.
This is not to say that we never give our kids any gifts; we do. We just really try to limit the quantity and to give things they need–such as new clothes or shoes or books–along with something they might want. We also prefer paying for experiences, such as a trip to a theme park or to go see the baby alligators hatch at a local zoo, rather than just a meaningless toy.
How has this experience changed you?
Seeing the changes in my children was definitely a catalyst for change in myself as well. Over the past year, my husband and I have found a lot more common ground in our quest for a simpler life. We started last fall with a two-month spending freeze that resulted in a lot more financial peace, and over the past year we have also worked really hard at clearing our lives of excess clutter and filling our “time jar” with the things that matter the most.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids. Teaching my kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to be content with what they have, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, and so,so much more–is an ongoing, daily responsibility. One year later, taking my kids’ toys away was an important turning point in our lives, but it was still only one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And we’re not done just yet.
Read the entire series:
- Why I Took All My Kids’ Toys Away {And Why They Won’t Get Them Back}
- Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: 6 Years Later
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue! How did this idea of taking kids’ toys away affect you personally? Did you try it with your own family? What was the result?
PIN FOR LATER
TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR HOME LIFE
Ever feel like you just can't keep up? Our Living Well Starter Guide will show you how to start streamlining your life in just 3 simple steps. It's a game changer--get it free for a limited time!
If you love this resource, be sure to check out our digital library of helpful tools and resources for cleaning faster, taking control of your budget, organizing your schedule, and getting food on the table easier than ever before.
Thank you so much for your posts on this topic. We are preparing to move and I am getting rid of a lot of our stuff and have just turned to the girls playroom. We don’t have a TON of toys, but of what we do have they probably only play with 25% of it. Realizing this has made me see that that 75% may not come to our new house. Thank you so much for giving me the courage to simplify! (Though I have to admit, even after reading this post, I am really dreading Christmas and having to explain “One toy is enough” to the Grandparents.)
We have two kids, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. We don’t allow “hard” toys in bedrooms. Stuffed toys have to fit on the bed, comfortably, while the child sleeps. Books have to fit on the small bookshelf, or get purged. 10 shirts in the drawer and 10 pairs of pants, that’s it, so their choices in the morning are very limited, and simple. There’s nothing allowed on the floor, dresser top, in a closet, bookshelf, on a windowsill etc. Period. My kids don’t have to clean their rooms, because they are always clean.
The toys are in the basement and they stay in the basement. We live in a small townhouse, it has to be this way. My older child went through a phase (I didn’t know it was a phase at the time!) whereby he fell in love with a particular set of small plastic tv show toys and I went whole hog buying them for Christmas, potty training rewards, Easter, etc etc. Fast forward six months and he is basically on to the next thing, has lost interest, 100’s of dollars wasted and what a mess. I learned my lesson, as I always do on the first child LOL! No more trendy toys here, they have a kitchen, blocks, cars, a doll house, some little people, musical instruments and some plastic dinosaurs and animals. That’s it, that’s all. And 45 minutes of screen time a day, and lots of library time and going for walks and time at the gym. I always tell my husband “50 per cent of parenting is prevention!” so that if you can anticipate a problem, and head it off ahead of time, the other 50 per cent of parenting (day-to-day activities and discipline) gets so much easier.
I came across this article today and I was interested. I too have 2 children who have so much “stuff” that they really don’t value what they have. I have read all the differing comments and I can see all points of view but I think for each family things will be different. For my kids being the only grandchildren on both sides of our families they usually get whatever they want from grandparents not necessarily anything they need. So I think that this purge would be a great fit for my kids because of our own situation. Do I think they will be scarred for life. No. Do I think they will appreciate what they do have . Yes…. I am going to give it a shot if the hubby is on board……. I say to each their own and we shouldn’t criticize others and the way they do things. If you don’t like the idea just move on…
You don’t even know what you have done. You are patting yourself on the back and when your kid is a teen you will finally see what you brought open yourself. Toys are an important part of childhood. Also let me break this to you, your kid may have made a toy out of scrap paper, are you going to take this away from them. You crow about you are decluttering, and that’s fine. Kids should learn to clean and to not have everything on the sun, but you took your kids choice. Go mom. She will remember you being the jerk who took her stuff away.
Ruth, I’m 3 months pregnant, have been very sick and feeling totally overwhelmed with my kids toys. I have two boys 3 and 5. I know you wrote this a while ago but I wanted to tell you how much you inspired me today. I cleaned out their shared bedroom and left 2 books on the nightstand and their stuffed animals they sleep with. Then I went to the playroom which is the future baby’s room and this is what I left out: some books on the forward facing wall bookshelf, table and chair with 3 wooden puzzles on it, their land of nod tent in one corner, a basket of wooden trains and tracks and a basket of wooden blocks. When my boys finally came inside from playing today – I started dinner and told them to go to the playroom to play. Now I did all this work while they were at school today. I heard them squeal with delight upon entering their playroom. They were so excited like they had gotten new toys or something. I went to check on them at one point and my 3 yr old was inside the tent doing a puzzle. That tent has been in their room since they got it for Christmas and they never play with it! The my 5 year old came up to me and thanked me for cleaning it up and that he loved it. So, I obviously didn’t pack everything up but I make significant strides and in just one day, everyone was so happy about it. I’m thinking I may even put the blocks or trains in the attic instead of having them both out at the same time. So, I’m planning to do your rotating system with the puzzles, games and toys we put into the attic. Thank you so much for giving me the motivation today to just do it! I googled reducing kids toys and your original blog post popped up and then I told my husband about it and he was completely on board and helped shlep stuff up to the attic. Blessings on you friend!!!!!
I tried this once when the kids were smaller. I put everything in trashbags and took it to our bedroom. They never missed a thing! In order to get a toy back, they had to do a small chore. This worked for a while, but eventually they would sneak in the room and just take what they wanted. Now they are teenagers, and we are ready to try something drastic again. I just found your column on the internet… I can’t wait to read more!!!