A fed up mom set limits and cleaned out her kids room. One year later, the girls have seen some major changes. A must read to find out what happened!
A year ago this week I posted this (now infamous) post about taking my kids’ toys away. At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience. The comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to a few others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy.
Oh my.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: One Year Later
There have been so many comments left on that post that there is just no way to respond to them all. I thought instead I could address some of the questions that have come up most often:
What did you do with all their stuff? Did you throw it away?
To be honest, for the first week it all sat in huge pile in the hallway outside their room because I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic. The few remaining items went on the high shelves in their bedroom closet.
Why did you take their comforter away?
In that moment, I just wanted to completely clear their room of everything. We live in Florida where our A/C is usually set to 79 degrees all the time, so it wasn’t a matter of taking a basic need away–we can barely even get them to stay under the sheet, much less a heavy comforter. I guess to me it was just a symbol of all the excess in their lives.
Aren’t you afraid of causing lasting psychological damage?
Honestly, no. Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy. My girls are in no way deprived, and they still have plenty of things to do and play with. In fact, by most of the world’s standards, with enough to eat, a comfortable home, and access to school, sports, medicine, and art, they are still extremely privileged. My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on.
Are you a control freak?
Well…..My husband would probably say yes. I prefer to think of it as decisive. 🙂
What are your guidelines for the toys that you keep?
My main guideline is that we only keep toys that encourage their imagination or creativity. I hate toys that have a billion pieces, but that seems more or less unavoidable, so instead we rotate toys out on a regular basis. For instance my girls have a box of Littlest Pet Shop figurines that they love, as well as a big bin of Barbie dolls. If the Littlest Pet Shop stuff comes down from the attic, then the Barbie dolls go back up. Right now the only toys they have down are their American Girl dolls, a few doll outfits, and the food & dishes for their play kitchen.
What do you do with kids who are super sentimental?
My oldest daughter is super sentimental about everything so we often end up putting things in “keepsake” boxes up in the attic rather than giving them away. However, as she has gotten used to the idea of less she is more open to the idea of giving stuff away. One thing that helped a lot was donating many of their toys to our church nursery. That way they still have a chance to go and play with them every once in a while.
How do I convince my spouse to get on board with this idea?
It is definitely not good for kids to have their parents at odds over parenting decisions, and I think ultimately this will only work if parents are willing to stand together. If one spouse is reluctant to make such a drastic move, perhaps instead agree to a trial run before actually getting rid of everything. Fill up some big boxes or garbage bags with all the toys, then put them away in the garage or attic or basement–any place that is completely off limits–for a few weeks. At the end of the trial period you can decide how to proceed together.
Would this work with only one child?
I only have my own experience with two kids to go on, but I honestly think that most kids these days are overwhelmed by too much stuff. So….I guess yes, I think it probably would.
I’ve tried this but the stuff always comes back… How did you stand your ground?
Keeping on top of the influx of stuff is a constant battle! I recently had to do another major purge and reorganization because stuff was starting to pile up again. Several items somehow made their way down from the attic at the same time, while birthdays brought some new games and a few treasures and outfits for their dolls. They are also constantly bringing home papers and projects and little trinkets from church and school and birthday parties.
We have found that the only real solution to the continual flow is a commitment to the idea that we will not let ourselves or our kids get buried. We have to be diligent about clearing the clutter on a regular basis and only keeping out a few things at any given time. It is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
What do you do about birthdays & holidays?
I think really the most important shift we’ve made when it comes to both birthdays and holidays is de-emphasizing the presents in favor of the experience. Our girls love planning their elaborate birthday parties but no longer equate birthday parties with gifts. Changing the attitudes of our friends and family was a little harder at first. However, when they saw we were really serious (writing a very public article helped), they did begin respecting our requests for no gifts. Even their aunt, who was constantly showering them with gifts, has amended her ways and instead asks my husband for ideas on what they need.
This is not to say that we never give our kids any gifts; we do. We just really try to limit the quantity and to give things they need–such as new clothes or shoes or books–along with something they might want. We also prefer paying for experiences, such as a trip to a theme park or to go see the baby alligators hatch at a local zoo, rather than just a meaningless toy.
How has this experience changed you?
Seeing the changes in my children was definitely a catalyst for change in myself as well. Over the past year, my husband and I have found a lot more common ground in our quest for a simpler life. We started last fall with a two-month spending freeze that resulted in a lot more financial peace, and over the past year we have also worked really hard at clearing our lives of excess clutter and filling our “time jar” with the things that matter the most.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids. Teaching my kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to be content with what they have, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, and so,so much more–is an ongoing, daily responsibility. One year later, taking my kids’ toys away was an important turning point in our lives, but it was still only one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And we’re not done just yet.
Read the entire series:
- Why I Took All My Kids’ Toys Away {And Why They Won’t Get Them Back}
- Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: 6 Years Later
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue! How did this idea of taking kids’ toys away affect you personally? Did you try it with your own family? What was the result?
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I really like this idea. We have restricted access to toys when things are not taken care of but after another day of finding the closet a complete mess and stuff everywhere I have made the closet off limits. They still have a porch full of legos and I am still working out what all should go in the closet but I know my boys have more toys than they can enjoy. They get overwhelmed with the pick up. The wanting of every new toy does bother me. Your idea is very tempting. Thank you for sharing. I think you did a beautiful thing.
hi! Thanks for this. You are inspiring. I have two kids, and am about to go through all their toys and organize/ toss stuff, so it’s interesting that I found this blog right before I started that project. A few years back their was toys ALL over my house so I got a garbage bag and put in all the toys that were on the floor, I then put it in the closet and found it again right before Christmas, it was interesting to me that none of those toys were missed. I do love watching my kids play with toys because they use them to make up stories and it’s adorable. I however am fairly tight with them and only allow them one toy at a time, and then that has to be cleaned up before they get out another, I’ve also tried to get rid of any toy that doesn’t belong in a big set, (like random ones from quarter machines) and I don’t keep any toys in their room, they usually have to ask me. This has reduced the stress soooo much. I do need to go through it all again as we’re starting to get cluttered again. So like you said it’s an ongoing thing. My kids are soooo creative, and I’m amazed how much they can play and what they come up with to do when they aren’t playing with toys. I love to watch them, they’re sooo smart.
I think you’re first post would be interesting to try, to just take it all away… hmmm…. I don’t know if I’m that brave. I can see how if thise was done with anger, or blaming, or if you put a BIG negative spin on it that it could do some damage emotionally, (like if you said over and over YOU LOST ALL your toys, and you’re never getting any back ha ha ha, I’m so SICK of cleaning up after you, you lazzy bum, ext ext.) but from your post you sound like you are putting a very strong focus on the positive, and that by doing so you are using this to show you’re kids what’s really important. Which is great! Way to take a potentially stressful situation and turn it into something positive that you’re kids can learn from. I have to make sure to do that when I organize their toys. 🙂 I love the thought that it’s your life and if you don’t like something about it, change it, and make it a situation you can enjoy.
Ruth, I just stumbled upon your website yesterday and have been reading since…. I’m hooked. Reading more of your blog was the first thing I wanted to do this morning with my cup of coffee! All I have to say is AMEN SISTER! You have written and shared everything I have wanted to do, but didn’t know how to start or too scared to follow through! I love your passion as well as follow through and look forward to adopting your simplifying techniques! Thank you for sharing your life experiences, ideas, and expertise. Your blog has entered my life at the perfect moment, and I look forward to continue reading. Love that you took the toys, support it, and agree/feel that consumerism and clutter definitely overwhelm both parents and children…..in the end causing stress and or anxiety. Less is more!! What a great lesson to teach our children self control, to self entertain, contentment, and to explore their imaginations!
I love what you did and I have been talking to do the same thing…. even my husband said we should box up their toys… they never play with them anyway! My question is movies and TV. What do you do? We have no TV, but we have movies, short movies. We are very very very strict as to what they can watch. What do you guys do about that?
Blessings and I’m sorry if people were judgmental… but it’s not about anyone else. <3
Like so many others, I found your original post and the followup on Pinterest. I am preparing to adopt my first child in the next year and these are the kinds of lessons I’m hoping to implement from the beginning. Thank you for taking the time to talk about why you made the decision you did and what the effects have been. The process of preparing to bring a child into the house, no matter the method, is daunting. You’ve given me some excellent insight and I value that.