A fed up mom set limits and cleaned out her kids room. One year later, the girls have seen some major changes. A must read to find out what happened!
A year ago this week I posted this (now infamous) post about taking my kids’ toys away. At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience. The comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to a few others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy.
Oh my.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: One Year Later
There have been so many comments left on that post that there is just no way to respond to them all. I thought instead I could address some of the questions that have come up most often:
What did you do with all their stuff? Did you throw it away?
To be honest, for the first week it all sat in huge pile in the hallway outside their room because I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic. The few remaining items went on the high shelves in their bedroom closet.
Why did you take their comforter away?
In that moment, I just wanted to completely clear their room of everything. We live in Florida where our A/C is usually set to 79 degrees all the time, so it wasn’t a matter of taking a basic need away–we can barely even get them to stay under the sheet, much less a heavy comforter. I guess to me it was just a symbol of all the excess in their lives.
Aren’t you afraid of causing lasting psychological damage?
Honestly, no. Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy. My girls are in no way deprived, and they still have plenty of things to do and play with. In fact, by most of the world’s standards, with enough to eat, a comfortable home, and access to school, sports, medicine, and art, they are still extremely privileged. My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on.
Are you a control freak?
Well…..My husband would probably say yes. I prefer to think of it as decisive. 🙂
What are your guidelines for the toys that you keep?
My main guideline is that we only keep toys that encourage their imagination or creativity. I hate toys that have a billion pieces, but that seems more or less unavoidable, so instead we rotate toys out on a regular basis. For instance my girls have a box of Littlest Pet Shop figurines that they love, as well as a big bin of Barbie dolls. If the Littlest Pet Shop stuff comes down from the attic, then the Barbie dolls go back up. Right now the only toys they have down are their American Girl dolls, a few doll outfits, and the food & dishes for their play kitchen.
What do you do with kids who are super sentimental?
My oldest daughter is super sentimental about everything so we often end up putting things in “keepsake” boxes up in the attic rather than giving them away. However, as she has gotten used to the idea of less she is more open to the idea of giving stuff away. One thing that helped a lot was donating many of their toys to our church nursery. That way they still have a chance to go and play with them every once in a while.
How do I convince my spouse to get on board with this idea?
It is definitely not good for kids to have their parents at odds over parenting decisions, and I think ultimately this will only work if parents are willing to stand together. If one spouse is reluctant to make such a drastic move, perhaps instead agree to a trial run before actually getting rid of everything. Fill up some big boxes or garbage bags with all the toys, then put them away in the garage or attic or basement–any place that is completely off limits–for a few weeks. At the end of the trial period you can decide how to proceed together.
Would this work with only one child?
I only have my own experience with two kids to go on, but I honestly think that most kids these days are overwhelmed by too much stuff. So….I guess yes, I think it probably would.
I’ve tried this but the stuff always comes back… How did you stand your ground?
Keeping on top of the influx of stuff is a constant battle! I recently had to do another major purge and reorganization because stuff was starting to pile up again. Several items somehow made their way down from the attic at the same time, while birthdays brought some new games and a few treasures and outfits for their dolls. They are also constantly bringing home papers and projects and little trinkets from church and school and birthday parties.
We have found that the only real solution to the continual flow is a commitment to the idea that we will not let ourselves or our kids get buried. We have to be diligent about clearing the clutter on a regular basis and only keeping out a few things at any given time. It is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
What do you do about birthdays & holidays?
I think really the most important shift we’ve made when it comes to both birthdays and holidays is de-emphasizing the presents in favor of the experience. Our girls love planning their elaborate birthday parties but no longer equate birthday parties with gifts. Changing the attitudes of our friends and family was a little harder at first. However, when they saw we were really serious (writing a very public article helped), they did begin respecting our requests for no gifts. Even their aunt, who was constantly showering them with gifts, has amended her ways and instead asks my husband for ideas on what they need.
This is not to say that we never give our kids any gifts; we do. We just really try to limit the quantity and to give things they need–such as new clothes or shoes or books–along with something they might want. We also prefer paying for experiences, such as a trip to a theme park or to go see the baby alligators hatch at a local zoo, rather than just a meaningless toy.
How has this experience changed you?
Seeing the changes in my children was definitely a catalyst for change in myself as well. Over the past year, my husband and I have found a lot more common ground in our quest for a simpler life. We started last fall with a two-month spending freeze that resulted in a lot more financial peace, and over the past year we have also worked really hard at clearing our lives of excess clutter and filling our “time jar” with the things that matter the most.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids. Teaching my kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to be content with what they have, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, and so,so much more–is an ongoing, daily responsibility. One year later, taking my kids’ toys away was an important turning point in our lives, but it was still only one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And we’re not done just yet.
Read the entire series:
- Why I Took All My Kids’ Toys Away {And Why They Won’t Get Them Back}
- Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: 6 Years Later
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue! How did this idea of taking kids’ toys away affect you personally? Did you try it with your own family? What was the result?
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I love this post!! I’m going to start doing this. I just feel so overwhelmed by all the toys and stuff my girls have. I also have a lot of stuff, so I will be purging that as well! Thanks for the encouragement!! I can’t wait to get started!
Love this. Sadly I will say I have done this multiple times at moments of frustration, but ultimately I will say we are on the same path. I wish that I would approach this more as a plan than at points of frustration, but either way I have seen lots of benefits in our life over the years. I have 3 boys, so how things play out looks a little different, but ultimately it has worked out well and I love it!!!!
I will also address the idea of gift giving (birthdays, Christmas, etc.)… I have found that people are going to give gifts (especially family members). I try to request things that my children actually need and will use. Last year for Christmas I requested backpacks from one aunt and uncle (we homeschool, so they don’t get used a ton, but they are a necessity and a well appreciated gift). Also, children can always use clothing and art supplies so those are always easy and creative.
My mom has been a bit more difficult. She loves giving educational and practical gifts, so I can always count on good games, a family pass to the local zoo or museum, and matching PJs for the boys; but she can’t seem to resist the random dollar store trinkets as well. I have just learned to let them have them for a while and trash them as soon as they break. She loves the kids and always wants to have SOMETHING for them, and for that I am grateful.
Sorry to hear that you have gotten so many negative responses. Kids need love, and they need encouragement and it sounds like those are two things that you are doing a great job of.
I thought I was done, but then thought that I should let you know what my children are doing right now…
My boys are spending their 2nd afternoon playing with a huge pile of logs. My husband told them that if they wanted to stack the wood (in the racks for the fireplace) that he would pay them. They are making some progress, and hopefully eventually they will get done; but even bigger, they are out there playing around, climbing, building their own creations, and just being boys!!!! I love hearing their giggles and adventures. They have come in umpteen times beckoning me to come see this cool bug or that crazy looking stick!!!! They are creating their own fun instead of telling me how bored they are with what is on tv, or how tired they are of this or that!!!!!
I am on the side of applauding you :).
I actually stay pretty decluttered (as compared to many people), yet when I went IN on my kids’ rooms (and mine), I filled 12 trash bags of donation items (and I just cleaned out rooms in the Spring).
Most of their junk comes from relatives buying it, not my husband and me.
I put 90% of the toys we kept on the top shelf of their closets. Only once in 3 days has anyone asked for a toy…..and that was Legos (I kept some down, though).
Anyway….I am very pleased with the result. My kids haven’t noticed, but their rooms are staying tidier since they’re not just throwing junk down on the ground for fun.
Thank you!!
I have a lot of respect for your determination to avoid the pitfalls of over-junking your kids. My daughters are grown women (40, 36, 34) and all three have been readers all there lives. We went to the library 2 or 3 times per week and they got to check out one book for each year they were (1 for the one year old, 3 for the three year old). Looking back, their lives were filled with books so there wasn’t much time or need for junk. All excelled in school thru college and looking back, I think I owe it all to the library and lack of money for junk. I am working on purging my own stuff. I tend to keep things thinking I can make something out of it! Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration.