A fed up mom set limits and cleaned out her kids room. One year later, the girls have seen some major changes. A must read to find out what happened!
A year ago this week I posted this (now infamous) post about taking my kids’ toys away. At the time, I honestly had no idea what a brouhaha it would cause. I was simply sharing our own experience. The comments and reactions to that post have run the gamut, from parents applauding the decision and letting me know that post inspired them to do the same, to a few others who were sure I was causing permanent psychological damage, depriving my children of a happy childhood, and setting them up to be neurotic hoarders who will require years of therapy.
Oh my.
Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: One Year Later
There have been so many comments left on that post that there is just no way to respond to them all. I thought instead I could address some of the questions that have come up most often:
What did you do with all their stuff? Did you throw it away?
To be honest, for the first week it all sat in huge pile in the hallway outside their room because I didn’t know what to do with it. Eventually I was able to sort through it, but very little actually got thrown in the garbage. More than half was sent to Goodwill, while almost everything else went up into the attic. The few remaining items went on the high shelves in their bedroom closet.
Why did you take their comforter away?
In that moment, I just wanted to completely clear their room of everything. We live in Florida where our A/C is usually set to 79 degrees all the time, so it wasn’t a matter of taking a basic need away–we can barely even get them to stay under the sheet, much less a heavy comforter. I guess to me it was just a symbol of all the excess in their lives.
Aren’t you afraid of causing lasting psychological damage?
Honestly, no. Of all the things I worry about for my kids, scarring them by limiting the number of toys they have is not even on the radar screen. In fact, I worry about the opposite, the psychological damage caused by a society that is constantly telling us we need more stuff to be happy. My girls are in no way deprived, and they still have plenty of things to do and play with. In fact, by most of the world’s standards, with enough to eat, a comfortable home, and access to school, sports, medicine, and art, they are still extremely privileged. My goal is for them to grow up with an attitude of gratitude for all that they have, not to complain about the stuff they missed out on.
Are you a control freak?
Well…..My husband would probably say yes. I prefer to think of it as decisive. 🙂
What are your guidelines for the toys that you keep?
My main guideline is that we only keep toys that encourage their imagination or creativity. I hate toys that have a billion pieces, but that seems more or less unavoidable, so instead we rotate toys out on a regular basis. For instance my girls have a box of Littlest Pet Shop figurines that they love, as well as a big bin of Barbie dolls. If the Littlest Pet Shop stuff comes down from the attic, then the Barbie dolls go back up. Right now the only toys they have down are their American Girl dolls, a few doll outfits, and the food & dishes for their play kitchen.
What do you do with kids who are super sentimental?
My oldest daughter is super sentimental about everything so we often end up putting things in “keepsake” boxes up in the attic rather than giving them away. However, as she has gotten used to the idea of less she is more open to the idea of giving stuff away. One thing that helped a lot was donating many of their toys to our church nursery. That way they still have a chance to go and play with them every once in a while.
How do I convince my spouse to get on board with this idea?
It is definitely not good for kids to have their parents at odds over parenting decisions, and I think ultimately this will only work if parents are willing to stand together. If one spouse is reluctant to make such a drastic move, perhaps instead agree to a trial run before actually getting rid of everything. Fill up some big boxes or garbage bags with all the toys, then put them away in the garage or attic or basement–any place that is completely off limits–for a few weeks. At the end of the trial period you can decide how to proceed together.
Would this work with only one child?
I only have my own experience with two kids to go on, but I honestly think that most kids these days are overwhelmed by too much stuff. So….I guess yes, I think it probably would.
I’ve tried this but the stuff always comes back… How did you stand your ground?
Keeping on top of the influx of stuff is a constant battle! I recently had to do another major purge and reorganization because stuff was starting to pile up again. Several items somehow made their way down from the attic at the same time, while birthdays brought some new games and a few treasures and outfits for their dolls. They are also constantly bringing home papers and projects and little trinkets from church and school and birthday parties.
We have found that the only real solution to the continual flow is a commitment to the idea that we will not let ourselves or our kids get buried. We have to be diligent about clearing the clutter on a regular basis and only keeping out a few things at any given time. It is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
What do you do about birthdays & holidays?
I think really the most important shift we’ve made when it comes to both birthdays and holidays is de-emphasizing the presents in favor of the experience. Our girls love planning their elaborate birthday parties but no longer equate birthday parties with gifts. Changing the attitudes of our friends and family was a little harder at first. However, when they saw we were really serious (writing a very public article helped), they did begin respecting our requests for no gifts. Even their aunt, who was constantly showering them with gifts, has amended her ways and instead asks my husband for ideas on what they need.
This is not to say that we never give our kids any gifts; we do. We just really try to limit the quantity and to give things they need–such as new clothes or shoes or books–along with something they might want. We also prefer paying for experiences, such as a trip to a theme park or to go see the baby alligators hatch at a local zoo, rather than just a meaningless toy.
How has this experience changed you?
Seeing the changes in my children was definitely a catalyst for change in myself as well. Over the past year, my husband and I have found a lot more common ground in our quest for a simpler life. We started last fall with a two-month spending freeze that resulted in a lot more financial peace, and over the past year we have also worked really hard at clearing our lives of excess clutter and filling our “time jar” with the things that matter the most.
At the end of the day, intentional parenting is always going to be a lot of really hard work. Unfortunately for all of us, there is no magic solution for raising perfect kids. Teaching my kids all the things they will need to know to be productive and joy-filled adults–how to work hard, use their manners, eat their vegetables, think about others, clean up after themselves, to be content with what they have, to problem solve and use critical thinking skills, and so,so much more–is an ongoing, daily responsibility. One year later, taking my kids’ toys away was an important turning point in our lives, but it was still only one moment in a whole lifetime of parenting moments.
And we’re not done just yet.
Read the entire series:
- Why I Took All My Kids’ Toys Away {And Why They Won’t Get Them Back}
- Why I Took My Kids’ Toys Away: 6 Years Later
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this issue! How did this idea of taking kids’ toys away affect you personally? Did you try it with your own family? What was the result?
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I’m a mom of only one but I have raised 2 much younger siblings and my niece myself and am the middle of 5 so I feel I have a relative amount of experience with both “decluttering” and the problem with toys. Both my grandmothers are hoarders (not as bad as the ones on TV, but each have at least 1 room unusable from floor to ceiling stuff) and my parents were very cluttered and I struggle with clutter too.
I understand needing to declutter and not wanting children to misbehave. If they had too many toys with too many things, surely that is a reflection of you and not your children who were 3 and 6? If you felt they were spoilt surely it’s your own fault? As parents no one is perfect and it’s always hard in ways you never imagine, but in your article you seem to blame these young children and that feels wrong to me.
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but if my child was asking me for a toy on holiday I would personally let them get it because it’s a physical representation of a memory. And if I felt we had too many things I would discuss with my child, in the most simple terms, that we can only have so many things so if you want this you have to be willing to give up one of your toys at home. Do you prefer this toy to your toys at home? What toy are you willing to give away?
I’m sure this is also not perfect, but I feel it helps the child understand what I am doing and gives them some control because – though my child is mine – they are also not my belonging, they are another human being and they will out grow me and their life will become seperate from mine and I want to make sure they know how to critically think and understand fully why they should make these decisions, rather than have you forceably make the decisions for them with little explanation as to why which I feel leads to bitterness and resentment, as well as an inability to make their own decisions.
There is some basis behind this, I studied child development and child psychology in college but I would not call myself an expert.
I just want my child to want to be my friend when he’s an adult, though we can’t be friends until then I would like to have a loving and communicative relationship and I feel the way you have handelled this is not very communicative or thoughtful of your child’s feelings.
(Also, in regard to “my house is not a democracy” – mine is and always will be. My child deserves a say. A say does not mean they will get their way but they deserve to be heard.)
This is seriously the most fucked up white mom thing I’ve ever read. You need to speak to a mental health professional before you scar your kids for life. TBH they would be better off in foster care like what the fuck
“I don’t like clutter so my kids dont get to have personal item” what the hell is wrong with you?
When you kids grow up and never visit it will be no less than you deserve
I think this is a, and let me say it without dying, BAD thing. The fact that you basically reduced your children’s items, things that they felt were THEIRS that THEY cherished, is sickening! I hope you realize that things you do WILL come back to affect you someday, and I pray your children will someday be able to experience oh I don’t know… A NORMAL CHILDHOOD?! I could see you being a cartoon villain or something with that kind of stuff!
I strongly recommend that you please all be so kind and let the children keep things that they really have been dealing with all the time and love them so much so far!!!If you see that children love these things very much and want to give up beloved things, then under no circumstances should you remove these things, and then not if they are already grownups and want to keep those things in mind in memory of childhood!!!If there really is no room, then just buy the storage boxes and the problem is solved!!! I also have many things at home, but I’ve been able to keep everything in good condition thanks to these storage boxes and I do not see any problem!!!If you can see that the kids are really good at keeping things up very well after dealing and the rooms are absolutely perfectly clean every day, please let them keep things until they really want it !!! If they can not clean it, then teach them and if they are cleaning everything, then keeping things is not a problem if there are big storage boxes.If children want to keep their things up,then let them do it !!! Children still want to make their own collections, videos and in the future they would definitely want to give their old things to their children !!!If there is no room at all, then take some things, but not all things, if they like their things very much !!! I consider collectibles of children’s things to be very valuable, because for some time they become rare and there is no way to get them again! I have a very big Disney collection in my home and there are other things too. I do not give anything away because these are my things!!! If I have decided to keep my childhood things, then I’ll keep them forever!!!I’m very experienced in childhood things and I know that things in childhood needs to be kept so that you can remember the old good times and in the future give them to your children!!!
Reminder and teachings for parents and children!!!
I’m so impressed by how you just cleared it all out! It’s so bold and brave. Way to go, mama. I’ve done a “big sweep” in my boy’s playroom 3 times in the last year and it still continues to be so difficult to maintain. We’ve talked about picking 2-3 toy categories per child to keep: Trains, blocks, dinosaurs for our 2yo; sports figurines, disney cars figures and legos for our 5yo. I love the idea of rotating each down from the closet. We already do that for the super messy toys, but it’s just not enough. It’s amazing to look back to where we came from but I’m seeing how far we still have to go. It truly needs to be a constant effort. I just hope with several more big sweeps, we will avoid spending our lives constantly cleaning up and organizing stuff! Thank you for your inspiring insight.